Archive Of Sillyness
by Kasan Soulblade
Summary: Don't expect cannon, sane, or a mature fics here, sleep deprivation has hit me and this is the result. Very OOC for me! Now an Archive of evil Tales tales!
1. Mary Sue?

To my readers,

Sillyness AKA sleep deprivation hits us all at one time... this is my time. WARNING this fic is in no way loyal to the game, I'm inside the story somewhere -I'll let you guess where-, it's just a silly little drizzle piece that will not be going anywhere. If you are expecting a serious writing attempt look else where this is just me playing around and being very bored and sick and tired of writing essays and papers and me venting on the TOS cast.

One Shot RANDOM fic

Words boiled in the back of his throat, were caged behind his lips, to say them would be to bring heck upon himself so therefore he was silent. In the city of angels quiet was always present, it was the citys currency, trademark, harvest. As currency it spilled out from the empty houses and filled the streets with itself. As a trademark every building, paving stone, inch of the ground, bore it's mark. As a harvest it lay out in the streets, filled every nook and craney with a substence that none save him would find sustience in consuming. Silence was his only companion, the angels of Derris Kharlan had turned into little mroe then mist at the death of their leader, it was only Mithos' will that had held them together, only his power, and cut off from it the lifeless beings who were only a mockery of life scumbled to death. Now it seemed unable to scumble to death his only option was to slowly be burned alive from the inside out by those words he dared not say, it was that or go stark raving mad. Having given all his gald to his son on parting he did not even have the means to make that important decision, he'd tried fliping books already, that had met with very poor results, and the statues he was not strong enough to try those... So he decided to let time dictate what was going to happen, and he waited for one or the other event to pass.

The source of his insanity as if prompted by him thinking of it spoke up in his mind.

_Say it saaay it I comand you saaay it... I need the plot to move forward so say it!_

"Silence! Don't you ever shut up?"

_Sometimes... on occasion. Come on please!_

"Lloyd could not manipulate my be begging, you wont have that much power over me whoever you are."

_Actually... I have more, since I am the most powerfull being in the universe!_

"You had a gender change Maxwell? I wasn't aware."

_Jerk... You always win, it sickens me you're smarter then I am._

"You sound like Lloyd."

_I've been in his head too long he's rubbing off... And no I don't mean it like _that_, nothing sick or whatever... It's just his word choice is kinda contag.. contug... you know what I mean!_

"So's his intellegence by the sound of it."

_You just dissed your own son, you are aware of that right?_

"Dirk raised him, Raine taught him, his lack of education is not my fault."

_Oh boy, so you do point fingers like everyone else huh? Look if you say it I'll help, I'll make it all go away, I swear._

"I wont regret this?"

_How am I supposed to know? I ride in your head when you do things in your life, I write it down as I see it, people like it, they praise me for it, and I write more because as much as I've been a passenger in your head you've been one in mine. I don't know how your brain works, I just see the result of it, ascribe my own spin to it, and people like it._

"Did something happen to you as a child perhaps?"

_I was dropped several times when I was little... For the love of whatever god you believe in I wasn't serious about the being dropped, stop laughing!_

Kratos chuckled quietly, his eyes taking on a vicious glimmer that meant he was doing more then chuckling on the inside.

_Jerk! Alright since I can't control you I can't just snap my fingers and make you un-bored, what I can do though is manipulate the 'threads' of existance around you... basically make things for you to bump into and interact with... And before you ask, no I can't bring Anna back, I can't do a resurection fic, anti-canon and all that jazz. What I can do is make a AU fic with Anna alive, maybe make it a Sheoyd fic insteed of Coloyd... but that's for another entree on the Site._

"Why are you combining my son's names with Colette and Sheena's and what in Origin's name is jazz, fic, AU, and the Site?"

_You really don't want to know, your whole perception of reality would take another loop-de-loop and your polygon-ish brain would fry. So you say the magic words that are behind those pearly whites and I interfear and have fun torm- I mean relieving your boredom. How's that sound?_

"Torm-? Do you mean tormenting?"

_No! I was practicing for my ummm Spanish final.. Que pasa?_

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that and say those words you want, but if this turns into something horrible I'll hunt you down and make what I did to Kvar seem merciful compared to what I do to you."

_Heh yeah... I'll keep that in mind... So... Say it! Say it! Show those Genes that you gave to your son!_

"I'm growing to hate you."

_And I'm a fan girl, your hate gives me more motivation to write all sorts of fanfic about you, and if you're too vocal about it I'll write that piece about you and Anna and your night time activities. And I'll add lots and lots of detail!_

Kratos paled, shook, and looked nautios. "You saw!"

_No, but I can make stuff up!_

"You're a pervert, worse then Zelos."

_Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me... You on the other hand can be very very hurt by my words, I can rip that repute to tatters, wanna see me do it?_

"No!" Kratos trembled as he realized he was in the thrawl of a mad woman. "I'll do whatever you say!"

_Very good, now then!_ The voice became chearfull. _Drumroll please and now Kratos say your line!_

"I'm... bored..."

_There's a good Seraphim! I'd pat you on the head and give you a treat but you're armed and in a bad mood so..._

There was a blinding flash of light to the west.

_There, and done, have fun I'll keep tabs on how this goes_.

"Wait!" Kratos sighed, then stroking the hilt of his sword he decided it best to see what the light was. The voice was right about one thing, he no longer was bored. But as what cost? He spent a moment brooding, then with a shrug he began to walk to where the flash of light went off.

xxx xxx xxx

Time was indifferent, it flowed randomly, having no way to gauge it ten minuetes seemed an eternity a year a heart beat. He was unsure of when he got there, to the small capsle, but as he aprouched a circleular pit of steel near the top of the pill shapped vessle shimmered and disapeared and out came the most... well endowed -Anna was going to kill him for thinking this- creature on two legs he had ever seen or imagined about in the dakrest hours of his youth. It was a little too female.. it's upper and lower atributes were so exagerated and it's waist so thin she looked like she had been pinched by some giant's hand. He blushed and tried not to think about how those white robes were designed to show off the woman's feminity. Shame filled him, he was thinking about this woman in the worst way possible. He reached out, gripped at where the locket would have layin over his heart, and the memory of of the locket was enough to banish those impure thoughts.

There was a sting in his back and he forgot Anna, thought only that this woman was the most beautifully tragic creature he had ever layed eyes upon. Every feature, every inch of her began to burn it's way into his mind. The pain though, he reached for it, to stop it so he might beter dwell on the dark haired and eyed woman's pefection...

And in his hands he held a red arrow with a very suspicious comic heart shapped tip. He whirled, and spotted Remial in a bright red pair of robes, flowers were woven through his hair, and his wings were now a garish pink. There was a flash of light, a rain of pink peddles and he was gone. The woman sported an arrow, the pink feather poked out from her hair...

And the look she was giving him...

It was the same look Colette would give a puppy.

Oh God, Origin master of creation save me!

The woman took a step twards him, then another.

Oh Volt, strike me down now, Gnome bury me, Shadow rip me to shreds, any homocidal summon spirit with a way to kill me come forward and do so before she...

"Hello," Her voice was so sweet he could feel his teeth wanting to rot upon hearing it. It was perfection and having lived in Mithos' world of so-called perfection he wanted nothing of it or her. "My names Mary, do you have a name?"

"Yes, but it's none of your concern." He said in his best cold and distant voice that any one sane would take as an insult and leave. This woman winced, her eyes filled with tears and adoration all at once. Kratos felt much like he had kicked a dog.

"Please sir I need your help, my people were all killed and I came here seeking sanctuary..."

"You're people?" Images of more woman like this danced in his head and he fought to keep his stomach contents down.

"Yes, I am half angel, half elf, half human, half dwarf half-"

"How is that even possible? That would debunk the whole of our knowledge of the genetics. It would invalidate all we know about the split between two parent genetic doners during osmosis..."

"Well you see when my mother and my first father..."

He was then givin a very detailed explaination about how it was possible... He shuddered, banished the images, and toned her out before she even got into the third scentence. Unable to take it any more he cut her off ten minuetes in.

"Mrs. Mary-"

"-I'm not married!"

Why doesn't that surprise me? Kratos thought darkly.

"Did I mention I was a telepath?"

"Really, that's interesting... Can I leave you for a few moments, I need to fetch something... alone."

"Oh.. alright..."

Again with the puppy eyes and pathetic lost expression, Kratos ignored it, and walked a good mile off and ducked into an empty building just to be safe. For all he knew she had hearing ten times as good as his.

"Alright what is that thing!"

_A Mary Sue, and how'd you know I was here?_

"You were snickering." Kratos' voice was so cold ice could have formed on the walls around him. "Well make it go away!"

_Sorry I don't kill off my characters on wim, there has to be a plot driven reason. Oh and "it" is called a Mary Sue, I've never writen with one in a story so I thought I'd give it a go._

"A what?"

_Ung non-earthers... Alright here's the definition from _Dr. Merlin's Guide to Fan Fiction:

_You already know Mary Sue. Mary Sue is the perky, bright, helpful sixteen-year-old ensign who beams about the ship. Everyone on the ship likes Mary Sue, because Mary Sue is good at everything. Mary Sue is an engineer, a doctor in training, a good leader, an excellent cook, and is usually a beautiful singer. Mary Sue often has mental powers that may manifest themselves as telepathy, precognition, or magic. Her past is tragic, more so than any other character on the series. (Many Mary Sues have a backstory that reads like a V.C. Andrews novel. This is a clue.) If Mary Sue is very young, she is often the offspring of one or two already established characters. If she's a little older, she will probably end up sleeping with the author's favorite character. Sometimes, she fills both roles. Her name is often the author's name, be it a net.name, a favored nickname, or the author's middle name (this is seen in the most famous Mary Sue of all time, Wesley Crusher, who was named after Trek creator Eugene Wesley Roddenbery). By the end of the story, Mary Sue will be in bed with the desired character, will have beamed away amid cheers from all the regulars, or will be dead, usually accompanied by heavy mourning from the cast. The reader, on the other hand, will be celebrating. BTW, Mary Sue's twin brother can often be identified by his brooding, solitary behaviour, matched by his maverick disregard for authority (for a great example, see the very beginning of TNG's "Hollow Pursuits" alias Barclay, Part One). _

_Does that answer everything?_

"Wait a second 'Mary Sue will be in bed with the desired character'... I'm already married"

_Anna's dead._

"I hate you."

_But you're my favorite._

"That doesn't give you the right to see me rolling around with some woman that I pray you didn't base off yourself! I swear I'll get my revenge for all of this! Why are you doing this to me!"

_Because College is ( the following is censored due to vulgar content) and I need comic relief. And no, she's not based off of me... She's a satire of the over endowed characters that apear in nintendo games and fanfiction... it's supposed to be funny Kratos!_

"What can I do?"

_Impale yourself with the arrow and be deliriously happy?_ Came the hesitant reply.

"Oh whoever you are but whom I'll admit are strikingly handsome in your dark and angsty way... are you done yet?"

"Deliriously happy, I'll show you happy..." Kratos growled, breaking the arrow on his knee and then turing to give the cupid Remial a look that persuaded the deceased angel -now reincarnated as the messenger of love- to go ten aulternate realities over to the right.

_Kratos.. what are you going to do?_

"Get even." The seraphim growled, then forcing a smile he stepped out of the building, a plan already formed in his head.

xxx xxx xxx

She was a good tracker, beter then him. He made no complaints, only asked her to prove herself by finding one hidden place in Welgaia's castle, once known as Mithos' castle. Now knowing about the room he ripped that silly arrow out of her head, and dragged her to the capsel. Insulted she went off to tell her sob story to someone else and flew off in the capsel/ship thing away from the new world he had helped restore. First off to spare Lloyd the sight of that thing and second to save her from a drooling Zelos. The first was more important then the second, infinitly more important, and he honestly didn't even think of the second until she was long gone. But that didn't matter, what mattered was revenge would now be his. He went to the room, kicked in the door, and sword in hand decended the winding stair case. He found another door, unlocked he opened it weary of the soft humm that was on the other side. What he saw left him breathless.

Sitting in a black chair, it's frame made of plastic sporting three wheels and grey cusions, was a girl. Her hair was a brown black as were her eyes. She gapped at him, trembled, and cringed in the seat. Stepping over two lumps of fur and limbs the seraphim went to the computer and read.. he read the trials he had just been put through in black print on the glass and metal monitor.

"Hey Kratos... Nice weather we've been having huh? Hey wait stop!"

Kratos shoved Kasan out of the chair, and movedthe mouse to highlight the text.

"Noooo! I spent an hour on that!"

-DELETE-

"Aww man, you know you just destroyed yourself right?"

"Really?" Kratos took the glass of (insert your fav. soft drink brand name here) and took a sip. "Why am I still here then?"

"Umm... you're not supposed to be here... (censored words go here) now I have to write an explaination chapter!"

"Spare the world, don't explain."

"Jerk."

"Lloyd wanna be."

"Hey I got Raine on that TOS personality quiz!"

"Good for you. Now hand it over, all of the writing, right now! I don't want any of this on your Site, exspecially if it details..." Kratos flushed. "You know, just hand it over!"

"Spoil sport."

-Kratos aquired Krana fanfic with 300+ page stats!-

"Do you have a life?"

"They're overratted." Kasan smirked. "Scat before I trap you with Zelos for all eternity."

"You said you didn't do reincarnation fics!"

The world shimmered, blured and Kratos found himself at his mansion in Welgaia. There was a flash of light and the paper disapeared from his hands, and another flash of light form another room.

"Huh wha-... Oh man last time I take a hunny after midnight!" Came an all too familier voice, Kratos' gut went like ice. "This has got to be some wild dream." Kratos' bedroom door opened and Zelos stepped out and stared at the Seraphim. "Hello nightmare city..."

_About that reincarnation fic thing... I lied! Have fun Kratos!_

"I know where you are you..."

_Do you really? Well whoop de do I moved! So I guess you don't know! Toodles!_

"What's up with you Gramps, finally go over the deep end?"

"No," Kratos sighed. "I'm working on it though."

Fin


	2. Lloyd's evil streak

This is an scene that happens when Kratos is on his material hunt, probably wont use it in Shards but that doesn't mean I wont share it with all of you. Enjoy my evil humor attempt!

Kasan

You're looking for sacred wood right, more of it?" Lloyd called to Kratos. "Well try the Labs in Sybek, Raine resurected a few seedlings and Colette speed grew them so there should be some new trees growing there. I imagine you could speed grow enough of the seeds to get as much wood as you want."

Kratos rose an eyebrow, turned and stared Lloyd in the eyes.

"Why are you helping me?"

"I owe you one!" Lloyd smiled.

Kratos walked off, heading for the north west gate, that pointed in Sybek's direction. Once he was out of sight Raine began to sputter.

"Lloyd he's a servent of Cruxis! Why did you help him?"

"I owed him one." Lloyd's grin told them all it was not out of gratitude Lloyd had helped Kratos but spite.

"If he was seeking sacred wood then you have undoutable aided him greatly in his endevor." Regal frowned. "In aiding him you may of aided Cruxis."

"You remember when we were at the university and Persea spoted the dried seeds and I had Raine reserect them and plant them? How it was after we ran into Kratos and he was muttering some junk about sacred wood."

"Yeah..." Zelos snorted. "I told you you were crazy for even doing that."

"Well while I was there I stumbled into onto a Kratos fan club, like the club the adults had in Iselia, for Professor Raine..."

"You didn't!" Genis gasped, seeing where he was going.

"I told them that Kratos was a good friend of mine and that I knew he liked trees and he was doing research on special kinds of trees now I bet all of those girls are now prowling the biology hall just waiting for him to show up."

"Didn't Mr. Kratos run from those girls who were chasing after him in Luin?" Colette asked.

"Not much room to run in those halls..." Sheena noted a smile on her face.

"Lloyd, my bud that's one hella score on your side." Zelos snagged Lloyd in a hug. "Keep this up and you could bag yourself a bunch of Zelos hints on hunny grabbing."

"The images of this Kratos being tormented by the students are rather funny." Regal smiled slightly.

"I feel sorry for him." Colette sighed. "It was kind of mean..."

"The odds of Kratos not being flustered and chased... zero percent."

"Lloyd that was marvioulous, you did contact the student who had pictures on him in his lockers didn't you?"

"Yep." Lloyd grinned. "I did."

"Very thurough Lloyd, very thurough." Raine nodded her head, as if congradulating him for doing a math problem well, then she broke out into rich laughter. "Poor man, I could almost feel sorry for him!"

"Lay me some skin man!" Zelos offered his hand and Lloyd smached it against his own, the Chosen of Tethe'alla winced and rubbed his palm. "Owww..."

"Hey!" Genis struck a pose with his kendama, a poor imitation of Kratos in fighting stance. "Back back... leave me alone!" He was slowly over ran by invisible girls, that play caused everyone to laugh.

Noishe only looked at Lloyd, shook his head and put his paws over his eyes.

"What's the matter boy?"

"Whiine..." Noishe half sighed half whimpered.

"There are times I wish you could talk you know that?"

Noishe only cringed, as if he expected Kratos to swoop out of the sky and rain judgement light down on them.

-in Sybek later that afternoon-

Frowning the seriph entered the surprisingly empty biology lab. There were the sproutlings, with a few words of a spell he'd coax them into full growth and...

The door behind him creeked open and a girl with shining eyes slipped in.

"Are you like... Kratos Aurion?"

Frowning at the girl's poor gramer Kratos nodded stiffly.

"Thee Kratos Aurion?" It came out as a squeak, and a sinking feeling took the mercenary's gut.

Kratos turned away from the child and gathered the words of the spell in his mind...

There was a babble of female voices outside the room, they were strangley loud and shrill. The door opened and not one woman but thrity tried to squeaze into the room all of them giggling and moving towards him like a tide of idiotic fanatic idol worshipers. He almost drew his wings as thier babble ran about him and they reached for him. Paleing under the looks of adoration the seriph looked to run but there was no window large enough to jump through and there was no way he was going to fight his way past that group of girls and be... groaped and pawed over like the Chosen of Tethe'alla.

"Can I get an autograph!"

"Can I have a lock of hair!"

"No I want one give one to meee!"

Dear Gods no!

Taking a step back Kratos muttered a few words under his breath and with a flash of light dissapeared.

His one thought was... had Lloyd some how planned this?

No, Lloyd was far to innocent to set something like this up, it had to be Zelos' idea!

Kratos kricked his knuckles, an unpleasent sound that promised a sound thrashing to the Chosen of Tethe'alla next time they crossed paths. He'd kill Zelos for this, he'd drag that arrogent peacock across the length and width of Tethe'alla by the hair and maybe even shave it all off just for good measure. Plans of revenge boiling in his mind Kratos drew his wings, he had other things to do, he'd get even later.


	3. Switcheroo?

To my readers,

Read a wierd short Lloyd Kratos body switch fic, figured I'd be crazy enough to give it a go as the mere idea earns it's way into my Archive of Silliness. Sometime post game setting I think. Who needs time when it's humor?

Fondly your sleep deprived TOS author,

KasanSoulblade

One shot

Switch-er-oo

Lloyd groaned, feeling distincty odd. that oddness pierced his sleep fogged brain like a sword would... well just about everything he'd ever ran a sword into. It was sharp and it well got to the wierd point real fast so. Ung he was confusing himself. Rubbing his eyes he paused. Wierd his hair normally wasn't in his face like this. He pushed it aside and it annoyingly fell back over half of his face. Yawning he sat up, stretched, and fought with his hair. As his brain shrugged off the effects of his sleep his norally slow to wake mind jolted to full speed in a matter of heart beats.

His hair normally wasnt this red...

Cool his hair turned brown-red overnight!

But his brain was acting funny, wasn't letting it go with the idea something was wrong.

Nothing was wrong, he assuered his strangley over active brain, I woke up in my room and I bet it's just the crummy light Dad's guest roo-

Dad's guest room?

He wasn't in his room, he was sitting up on the small bed reserved for guests. He was in the room he'd bulied Dad into giving to Kratos while he was with them. He was in Kratos room, fighting with hair that was falling into his face in the pre-dawn light. He looked at his hand, _purple_ gloves with yellow stone like things jutting out of them at the knuckle covered buth his hands. A dull grew stone, an exsphere, glaeamed in a complex golden stand on his right hand. He reached out, patted his face, ran a hand through his spikey hair. His face was too long, his hair waaaay too spiky. Horror descended upon him, he made a few squeaking noises, then decided to pinch his arm. It hurt, this was no dream, he was wide awake. His eyes bugged, seemed ready to pop out of his skull, he fell back on the bed with a soft whump that he heard/felt, staring at the ceiling. Wrapping his arms around himself he continued to whimper, and begged the merciful Gods above that he'd wake up.

xxx

Yawning Kratos stretched, startled how rested he felt. Sleep not being needful such sensations of being well rested were alien to his Seraphim nature. He lay on the bed a long time and just enjoyed the feeling of being well rested for a few what felt to be a moments. He put his hands behing his head, laced his fingers together and jolted fully awake. His ex-sphere was on his right hand yet he could feel a stone on his left... His eyes flared open, he stared at a room that was not his. He did not have twin blades resting in thier sheaths crossed together on the opposite wall, he did not have such a comfortable bed. As a matter of fact he should not have been able to feel the bed's comfort...

He stared at his hands, he was wearing red gloves, not his usual purple.

With cringing hands he felt his face, his head, patted his body down. Horror stole across his visage, twisted his... errr Lloyd's face. Slowly, with the over care that those either in the throes of drink or shock show he sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed and went to the small mirror and sink in the privy part of the room. He stared at himself, his son's face stared back.

xxx

"Wake up!"

His voice was outside, but he was inside Kratos so how was his voice outside if he was... Ung he was confusing himself, he pulled the pillow over his head. Willed it to go all away.

"Lloyd Aurion, open the door now!" His voice hissed in a not so Lloyd-ish way that sounded distinctly Kratosy. But he was Kratos and that was just his voice outside right. Just another sign he was going nuts. "Damn it Lloyd, if Dirk wakes up how the Hell are we going to explain this! I know how strange it is, how painful my sensations are to a human mind, but you have to get up and open the door Lloyd. For your Dwarven Father's sake if no one else's."

That sounded like Kratos, something Kratos would say, but hearing it from his mouth was just weird. Still he had a point. Lloyd lifted his head out from under the pillow, and the pre-dawn world around him wasn't dark at all. He could hear everything, even Lloyd's/his? breathing on the other side of the door. It did hurt, his brain felt like it was burning because it was seeing and hearing too much. Despite that he staggered to the door, pulled it open and looked at himself. He licked his lips, tried his voice.

"Dad?"

Yep it sounded like Kratos' voice, and he cringed at the sound of it.

"I guess it is me." Lloyd watched as his face twisted in a mix of chagrin and anger. "You are me it seems and I am you, physically anyways."

"Only Kratos would say something that wierd..." Lloyd felt his/Kratos' heart sink. "Oh man this isn't some dream!"

"If only." Kratos murmurred using Lloyd's mouth. "I suggest we see Ms. Sage about this."

"Now?" Lloyd looked around, knowing it was supposed to be dark, but it wasn't dark. This was just wierd, beyond weird.

"It is awful dark isn't it..."

"No duh." Lloyd tried to think on the bright side of things, then suddenly found a few very interesting 'bright' sides. He chuckled and Kratos looked at him funny. "You know what, I don't think we should tell Dad about this."

"I concur."

"Well since your up you better get started." Lloyd smirked at Kratos' confused expression.

"Started?"

"Doing my.. excuse me, your chores Lloyd." Lloyd mock patted his father on the head, a whid grin on his face. "Let me write you up a list of what needs to be done."

"Can't be that long..." Lloyd heard Kratos whisper to himself. "After all the boy's lazier then..."

Ideas of cutting a few tasks from Kratos' list vanished from Lloyd's mind. Humming he decided to tack off three minor tasks and add a major one of cleaining out the gutters.

Just to show how _easy_ it was being a dwarf's son.

xxx

Kratos was tired after cutting the wood, soaked from doing the laundry, and hot from cooking breakfast for three. Dirk was out hunting, would come back to work in the smithy upon return. At that point _Kratos_ would inform _Lloyd_ that they were going to spar and the second they were out of Dirks sight. _I'll get my sword back, how in Origin's name does he stand to have a sword on either side, I've tripped on the second hilt five times at least!_

Kratos glared up at his son, and Lloyd smirked back at him.

_I was never aware I had such a smug smirk before, no wonder Zelos hated it._

"You are going to help me." Kratos hissed.

"Sorry." Lloyd leaned against the tree. "OOC Dad."

"OOC?"

"Out Of Character. You never helped _me_ before and Dad would think something's fishy if I, er you, started now."

Noishe was pooled around Lloyd's feet, the boy in the Seraph's body was giving the dog a good scratching. Noishe had looked at them both strangly, had seen though the illusions and was now demanding the same level of attention as he normally got. So he was now getting a good stratching from the mercenary's hands, all the while aware it was lloyd and not Kratos giving the scratching. So up the ladder Kratos went, dipping his hands in the filthy gutter, pulling out the leaves and scrubing the damn thing all the while Noishe and Lloyd watched with evident enjoyment.

"You mised a spot!" Lloyd called, Kratos pulled out a handful of moss, leaf, and water and threw it down below nailing a perfect head shot. Snarling a few oaths Lloyd stormed off to go get cleaned up. Noishe looked up at him and Kratos sighed.

"I wasn't that bad to him before was I?"

Noishe, master of comfort, nodded his head.

"Gee, thank you Noishe." Kratos growled, went back to his work, a panicked bark made the misplaced Seraph look up. Dirk had come back early it seemed.

"Bark!"

"What in Gnome's name are you doing out of your pen! Lloyd how many times have I told you to not let the animal out!"

Payback just walked up and introduced itself. "Kratos took him out D... Dad. I told him that you didn't want Noishe out but..." Kratos mentally kicked himsef for stutering on calling Dirk father, but then considering how his father had been. He managed a helpless shrug and Drik scowled.

"Has he been bullying you boy, you need to develop some back bone against that man!" Dirk growled. Both of Kratos' eyebrows hopped in surprise, little wonder Lloyd had tried to keep him and Dirk apart if the man was this hostile towards him. Kratos felt a flickure of anger at his son's dwarven father, and managed to keep it off his face by the thinist or measures. The dwarf put his hands on his hips and glared up at '_Lloyd_'. He then lanched into a lecture. "Boy he's been putting you through paces so hard I blanch at it. You have to tell him you can't keep doing all my work and his and that he has to learn how to share and that not all tasks are important." Dirk rumbled, saying without words whose 'tasks' should be dropped.

Kratos forced himself to go back to work, if he said anything it would be a series of cutting rejoinders that would get Lloyd in trouble. His son did not deserve that from him.

"I know you can hear me up thier boy, and I swear to Gnome if you don't say something soon I will!"

Kratos gritted his teeth, told himself that drawing his son's wings to cast judgment on this man would not be a good thing.

That didn't stop him from entertaining a few imagest of it though. Eventually Dirk tromped off grumbling up a storm, and Lloyd stepped out from around the other side of the house.

"Ummm.."

"Just how long has this been going on Son?" Kratos asked, looking down at his son and despite the form Lloyd wore Kratos could see the embaressed nervousness in Lloyd's stance. "Nevermind." Kratos whipped his hands off on his son's red button covered tunic. "Let's get going."

"There you are!" Dirk snarled, tromping right behind _Kratos_, Lloyd hopped, hands going to the hilts of his existant and non-existant blade. "I'll be having a few words with you Mr. Aurion!"

"Ahh... I'm sorry I can't right now... busy!"

Lloyd then made a hurried retreat, all but bolting across the bridge. It wasn't an ellegent retreat, Lloyd had left Kratos high and dry so to speak, but at least Dirk wouldn't figure it out... yet.

"What the Hell's gotten into him, never came cross as the skittish type."

"Probably somethign in the morning's stew." _Lloyd_ said in his best brightest and most innocent tone.

"Huh, well when you're done up there I'll need some help in the smithy."

_And you're accusing me of working him too hard!_ Kratos seethed, but dared not say the words out loud.

"Actually I promised K.." Scratch that with _Kratos_ gone that ruse wouldn't work. "I promised Ms. Sage I'd help her out at the school before school started."

"Only for two hours, I expect you home before noon so we can finish that project."

"Yes slave driver..." Kratos hissed to himself. "Yes Dir... Dad." Kratos said in a voice loud enough to be heard.

Dirk stared up at him, a flickure of worry in his eyes.

"Lloyd, you've never called the Professor as Ms. Sage before... are you feeling alright boy?"

"I'm fine." Kratos called down, resisting the urge to cast Grave or Erruption even on the anoyingly persistant dwarf, then recalling to his chagrin he could not. Never had injesting Aionis not seemed like a bad thing before this moment. Never had he wanted to cast destructive magicks on a person before like this. "Dad."

Finaly Dirk left him alone, he jumped off the roof. The dwarf could put the ladder away on his own if he wanted to so bad. Snarling afew profanities in angelic under his breath Kratos opened Noishe's pen then made his way across the wooden bridge, the freed protozoan padding behind him tail a wag.

xxx

"Hey Lloyd, hey Kratos!" Genis waved at them, setting aside his book at the sight of his old friend and his friend's father.

"Good morning Mr. Sage." Kratos said cooly, with a stiff nod of his head.

"Lloyd... why are you talking like that?"

"Well you see..." Lloyd coughed, sounding strange all hesitant when he used Kratos' voice and expression. "About that..."

Genis gapped as they explained, and as they insisted it was no prank and proved it with some trivia. Rather when Lloyd in Kratos' body failed every question on the Kharlan wars and when Kratos in Lloyd's body failed the art questions did the half elf believe them.

"Oh man, this is great, have you been milking it? Do you need some pointers!" Genis chirped, eyes wide with the potential mishchif possibilities sprawled out before Lloyd.

"So far he's done all my chores." _Kratos_ said with a very unkratos smile on his lips. "And today's Noshy's bath day so..."

_Lloyd _muttered a few words under his breath that were uncomplimentary.

"Score!" Genis smacked his hand against _Kratos'_ and the swordsman trapped in his father's body laughed richly.

"You are so grounded!" The real Kratos hissed, eyes blazing, as much as Lloy'd body would allow him to hiss or let the eyes blaze.

"How are you gunna ground me?" Lloyd smirked, arms crossed. "As a matter of fact..." Kratos watched in dread as a dangerous light came into his own eyes. It was stranger then words to see his own face move when he wasn't behind it so to say. "I could so ground you!"

"You wouldn't _dare_!" Kratos snarled, fists clenching.

"Do it!" Genis chanted the words over and over again.

Lloyd cocked his head to the side, a evil look on his face.

"Kratos, because you swore and have challenged my authority you are officially grounded. No sparing for a week."

"What!" Kratos howled.

"And if you fuss it'll be two." _Kratos_ looked down at _Lloyd_ a smug grin on his face.

"The _second_ I get my old form back I swear I'll..."

The door opened and in entered Ms. Raine Sage.

"Sis, sis, you aren't going to believe this!" Genis chirped.

xxx

"Oh my..." Raine laughed as she went over thier tests. She had made them take writen exams and was tallying up thier scores. She only went to the fourth way point of Lloyd's paper before setting it aside. "Oh my Goddess..."

"We were not lying Ms. Sage." The red clad swordsman growled, a broadsword hung about his waist and a shield was strapped to his arm, his feet were resting on the desk. The purple clad swordsman was snoring quietly, his head bowed, he was still standing. Without a thought to it Raine snatched up her erraser and threw it. Kratos' face was covered in a fine white powder.

"Wha- huh... I'm up!" Kratos whined, shielding his face from more attacks.

"Sorry Kratos..." Raine blushed, looking to the Seraphim who was habiting Lloyd's body. "Instinct."

"Oh, get Raine'd and then when you switch bodies then Kratos will be Riane'd too!" Genis suggested, Raine chucked another eraser and it hit the elf between the eyes. He toppled out of his desk and landed with a loud thud on his back. _Kratos_ pointed and laughed, _Lloyd_ rolled his eyes.

"Well." the red clad swordsman sighed. "Can you fix this or not Ms. Sage?"

"I would like to do some tests before I try any antidotes... but... well I don't have the means."

"How about Desian magi-whatchacallit- ology? Forcystus' ranch is still standing isn't it?"

"The Iselian's raided and destroyed everything within the Ranch, Lloyd." Raine said to her red clad pupil, then blushed as she remembered and turned to the purple clad swordsman. "This _is_ confusing..."

"Hey Lloyd." Genis' eyes seemed to gleam as evil thoughts darted around in his mind. "Do you have Kratos' money pouch?"

Raine and the Seraph in Lloyd's body turned pale as Lloyd made Kratos' lips curl.

"You know, I think I do."

"Don't you dare young man!" Kratos roared, Lloyd's voice wasn't made for sounding threatening however and Lloyd just cooly blew him off.

Having Kratos' body he managed to do so with a certain ellegence that made the Seraph grit his teeth.

"He's pushing me too far..." Kratos hissed, his... er Lloyd's teeth were mashed together. And despite being in Lloyd's body he seemed to swell with magestic rage. "The chores I will pardon, bathing Noishe I will forgive, but spending my money recklessly I will not!"

"Yuan." Raine said out of the blue, Kratos turned to her. "The Renegades are still active, Lloyd spars with Yuan from time to time, we could seek aid thier."

Kratos winced at the idea of his fellow Seraph seeing this but what choice did he have?

"He gave me a communication device, unfortunatly Lloyd has it since it was in my pocket, I'll retreive it then tend to matters."

"Getting it will be quite the trick."

Kratos smirked, and despite wearing Lloyd's form there was a certian unpleasent manner he managed to radiate.

"Oh I know just the way, you see Ms. Sage what they don't tell you in those books was that before Mithos was a great hero he was a royal pain in the ass, on top of that I traveled with your brother and a large number of children Chosen over the milenia. I know _exactly_ how to act."

"You know, he might just be teasing you for a good reason. To say something."

"Or he more likely is milking this because he knows I will vivisect him the second I have my old form back!" Kratos snarled.

Raine considered it. "I doubt it, you'll know by how much he gives into Genis. If they have used most of your gald for candy and trinkets, then I would say you were right. If they don't then I'd say I am right."

"Hurmph." Kratos made his trademark noise, it sounded like a cough coming from Lloyd and Raine bit her lower lip to keep from laughing.

xxx

Lloyd folded, he gave in because Kratos suddenly turned around and became a brat. He was worse then a hyper ten year old Genis, more inquisitive then the kid that had drove Raine wild years ago before the regeneration with her childish cries of 'whhhhy!'. As a matter of fact if you could merge Genis with that kid and a few others you had Kratos. Where the heck Kratos had learned to act like that Lloyd had no clue. It was kinda embaressing truth be told.

"Alright alright!" Lloyd gasped, clutching his aching ears. Kratos had been loud, obscenely loud and with his dad's ears being all sensative he'd suffered even more. "Here, take it!" Lloyd handed the black box and the mostly full gald pouch.

"What did you buy?" Kratos was fussing a lot over the money, but then Kratos always fussed over the money. He fussed over a lot of wierd things like money and education, stuff Lloyd just couldn't get.

"Some candy." Lloyd said sheepishly. "And a new whet stone, yours was down to nothing."

"We could of gone to the book store before he caught us if you hadn't gotten that dumb rock!" Genis wailed in protest.

"Hmmm..." Kratos tied the pouch to his side and slid his sword over it. He took the stone, pocketed it, then nodded his thanks. He'd take Raine's words and consider them. Not that Lloyd wasn't in trouble later on but for now he was safe. "Let's g-."

"There you are!" Both swordsman turned to see a huffing and puffing Dirk catch up with them. "You're an hour late Lloyd Irving, and by the looks of you your leaving Iselia. What's wrong with your head boy, you were supposed to come straight home after..!"

"He comes after you when you're late?" Kratos snapped at his son, deciding to stop the chirade at that moment. He was weary of it, weary of dancing around to avoid worrying Dirk. As it seemed so too was Lloyd, for he responded as he normally would not bothering to act Kratos-y as he called it.

"Umm yeah, he does."

Dirk looked from one to the other, a strained expression on his face.

"What's going on here!" Dirk sputtered, as he looked from on to the other more rapidly now. Lloyd would sooner die then use a sword and shield yet that was what he was wearing where Kratos was sporting twin blades. He'd heard his son and his son's biological father banter back and forth about that, both stating the other was ill armed because they weren't using 'proper' weapons. It was an arguement the two would dust off on occasion when they were both suffering from boredom.

"Your turn!" Both swordsman chorused whirling on each other.

"I did Raine." The red clad swordsman growled.

"Well I did Genis and Noishe." The purple clad ex-mercenary snapped.

"The protozoan doesn't count!"

"Does too!"

"I will not sink to this level of inane bable as do you and Genis!"

"In what-a-wha?"

"For the love of Origin, this is why you need more lessons!"

"I don't even have time to breathe much less take more lessons!" The auburn haired man protested to the boy. "Didn't you see that or are you stupid or something!"

"WHAT did you say young man!"

"I said." The mercenary leaned forward, hands on his hips. "Are you so thick after taking half a day of my work, after seeing just how tiring it is, that you're going to give me more work!"

Dirk's mouth sagged open, he looked to Lloyd then to Kratos, then turned to the purple clad man.

"Son?"

"Hey what do ya know, Dad figured it out on his own!"

Dirk's eyes glazed and he toppled forward on the dusty road.

"Uh oh... was that bad?"

Kratos smacked palm against his face and growled softly. "Noishe, fetch Raine..." The red clad swordsman sighed, then went to the dwarf to check the man's pulse. "Well he's not dead, just fainted from the shock of it all."

"Hey I know, since I'm you and your me that means I can use magic right?"

"Maybe..." Kratos' borrowed face scrunched up in thought. "That's a bit of a push, and even if you could cast magic you could only control the more basic spells."

"Like First Aid?"

"Go right ahead, this aught to be interesting."

Kratos sat on the ground and watched as Lloyd said the words to the spell and nothing happened. Lloyd tried ten times and on the eleventh managed to get a few green sparklets to form around his hands. They drifted across the air and settled on a grassy patch of ground that was in no way wounded. When Lloyd began to tug at his form's hair in frusteration Kratos winced, he was going to have a headache from that if they changed back any time this upcoming week.

"Ung it looks so easy!" Lloyd flared.

"Try doing that, and fighting simutaniously and talk about something not being easy." Kratos growled, deciding to lay on the soft grass since he was now able to feel it's softness. He yawned and Lloyd growled, gave his hair another vicious tug.

"I'll try this all year if I have to get it right!"

"M-hmm." Kratos closed his eyes, decided a nap was in order.

He fell asleep Lloyd beggining a different chant.

xxx

"Wake up Lloyd!"

Cold water fell into his face. He sat up sputtering, glared daggers at Genis.

"Oh... opps um hi Kratos?"

Kratos snaked his- Lloyd's hand out and grabbed Genis by the front of his tunic.

"Wake me like that ever again and you'll find out what your worst nightmare is first hand."

"Uh heh... so you aren't a pyromanic?" Genis said weakly.

"A what!"

"Lloyd got your fireball spell to work." Raine snapped, sounding testy. Kratos looked at his body that was kneeling by Dirk and Raine, between the two of them they were pulling the dwarf to his feet. Kratos looked around, three trees were showing proof of the fact Lloyd had gotten one of his spells to work. "He was trying for erruption before I stopped him, I had Noishe fetch Genis to tend to the fires."

"Lloyd!" Kratos snarled.

"Please Dad..." Kratos watched with some concern how Lloyd was rubbing his head. "I just got Raine'd extra hard, thinking hurts."

"That's not new!" Genis chirped.

"Shut it!" Kratos' face made the threat so formidable that the small half elf actually did fall silent.

"He... Kra... Ll... Ee..." Dirk was trying to talk at least, Kratos smiled grimly at the dwarf, crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Since dawn this morning, if you're curious."

"When we woke up, we kept quiet cuz we didn't want to freak you out!" Lloyd's borrowed voice sounded very strange earnest, something that Raine, Dirk, and Genis' expressions seemed to say.

Noishe only wagged his tail, he seemed to find the whole thing outragously funny.

"We are going to consult with Yuan, a fellow Seraph of mine, to make a cure." Kratos frowned, being in Lloyd's body the poor vocabulary seemed to be rubbing off, he decided there and then that if he found himself saying things such as 'cool' he'd commite harri karri for the sake of the tattered remains of his honor.

The only good thing he hoped that would come out of it was some of his more advanced vocabulary would rub off on his son.

xxx

"You what?" Yuan was laughing even as the words exploded from his mouth, they heard a creek from the other side of the transmiter as if someone had fallen heavily into a chair.

"We switched bodies, our spiritual essence was some how preserved, then transfered into the other's body without us being aware of the fact."

"Wha?"

"You switched bodies." Genis explained to Lloyd. "Just tone him out when he makes no sense."

"I already do that."

"It shows." Raine sighed, leaned into her staff.

"I was wonding why Lloyd sounded somewhat intellegent!" Yuan howled, "Oh gods' where do I keep those hankerchiefs, you must have looked like you'd eaten a live toad upon awakening old friend..."

"Will you help us?" Kratos sighed, ignoring the comment about the toad.

"You're of course presuming that you even need it." Yuan snickured. "I should just order you to come here so I can get some pictures of this..."

"Presuming... It seemed logical to go to..."

"You do have the eternal sword, don't you?" Yuan asked with a chuckle in his voice. "I mean he's not so careless as to lose that is he?"

"Hey!" Lloyd yelled, using Kratos' voice.

"He can't, Origin takes the sword back so that he won't."

"Well it's still on hand so to speak. After all you are Origin's seal, and Lloyd is Origin's proof of the pact. Just call out to him and use the sword, it's not like you need me at all."

Crickets chirped for a long moment.

"At least we see where he gets it from, the blantant stupidity I mea-"

Kratos turned off the box, not wanting to hear anymore.

"I never imagined Yuan to be so... talkative." Raine said slowly.

"He drove everyone but Martel insane." Kratos growled, it was a squeaky kitten-growl since Lloyd did not have a deep enough voice to make the sound threatening.

"He didn't you promise to tell us about the Kharlan war Kratos?" Genis asked, a certian glimmer that said 'evil' was written on his face.

"Oh yes, he did didn't he?" Riane's eyes glimmered with a hint of "ruin mode".

"You know, now that he's Lloyd he can't get away as well as Kratos can." Genis said to his sister sugestively.

"Hmmm..." Raine's eyes were now fully alight with "ruin mode". Kratos backed up a few steps, eyes wide in fear.

"Lloyd... if you call Origin right now I will cancel that punishment..."

"Lloyd Irving, don't you dare, it's the opratunity of a life time to gather _research_!" Raine stalked forward and Kratos was ready to bolt for it.

"I'll finish cleaning the gutters..." Kratos whimpered, taking a few more steps back.

"Deal! Origin, could you come here for a second!"

"NO!" Raine moved to tackle her research subject before Origin materialized, but the summon spirit apeared in front of Kratos a sword pointed at the half elf professor.

Raine wisely backed off, she muttered a few words of defeat and Kratos sighed in relief.

Lloyd looked up at the summon spirit, and much to his worry the four armed being's lips were twitching.

"You called Keeper of the Pact." Origin bowed, his orange-yellow eyes glittering with amusement.

"Um yeah I did, I guess you can see what the problem is and... could you fix us?"

"By putting us back in our proper bodies?"

"Of course, but I have a question... What is by the Askanian calander, the date?"

"Oh that's easy, it's the fourth months afternoon of the fourth day!" Genis chirped, then his mouth sagged open.

All thier mouths sagged open.

"I believe the saying is fourth month, fourth day, fools?" Origin asked innocently.

"You... did... this..." Kratos sputtered, still trapped in Lloyd's body the Iselian swordsman looked so pale that Raine could only harken on the time she'd made a bowlful of spagetti one year when he was ill.

"Woah!" Genis' eyes were wide with admiration. "That's gotta be the best... Teach me how to think up evil stuff like you Origin!"

"Don't you dare!" Raine, Lloyd and Kratos screamed in terror.

Origin smiled warmly, his blade disapeared into the eithers he drew it out from.

"I shall, re-start the day and undo the spell, is this acceptable?"

Llloyd spared a glance at his dwarven father, between having his son's body switched, spirits coming to his son's beck and call, and pyromaniac seraphim he was on his last dredges of sanity.

"I think you beter" Lloyd then dropped his somberness and smiled. "Man that was a good one Origin, really funny."

"Thank you, perhaps the next morning's prank will be... better recieved." Origin's lips curled, and before any could question there was a flash of light...

xxx

Lloyd yawned, stretched, awoke in his room. Nothing new in that, Dad pounded on the trap door to wake him since he had over slept. Same old same old.

Kratos wasn't as lucky...

He yawned, streched and bumped his head into a wall. He grumbled at it, a stream of annoyed growls coming from his throat. He rolled over, his four feet smacked into another wall.

Four feet?

He opened his eyes looked around the room-AKA dog pen- and whimpered.

As it was he could do little more then that, well only one more thing anyways.

xxx

"Hi Dad!" Lloyd chirped, looking up from wolfing down his breakfast.

"Morning Lloyden."

"Daaaad I told you not to call me that!"

"Sorry." Kratos patted him on the head, ruffled his hair, then took a plateful of food.

"You seem awful chearful today..." Lloyd stared at his father, wondering what was up.

"Oh yes, something tells me today's going to be a good day."

"That's cool." Lloyd dug into his breakfast then looked up. "Why's Noshy howling?"

Kratos smiled, a wide toothy smile. "No clue, pass me the ketchup will you?"

"Ewww... are you sure you're feeling OK?"

"I'm just going to go out, give Noishe half of breakfast so he'll quiet down."

"Alright.. ung I have to do the stupid gutters today."

"I'll give you a pa- erm hand later this afternoon." Kratos said on his way out.

"Really, thanks Dad!"

xxx

"Good morning!" The purple clad man strolled to the pen. "I must say I'm going to be much nicer to you then you were to me yesterday er today."

"Whine?"

"You were so panicked yesterday you forgot to feed me." Noishe scolded. "I on the other hand am much more thoughtful."

Noishe smirked at the seraphim trapped in the Protozoan's body, scrapped the eggs and bacon into the feeding traw and then drew out his secret weapon. Kratos' borrowed eyes widened in horror, he whined, whimpered, and begged. Noishe ignored Kratos, put a full fork full of ketchup right smack dab on top of the mess of eggs and bacon.

"Happy fourth month fourth days fools, Kratos."

Kratos' eyes promised instant death the second he was let out of the pen.

"Have fun."

Kratos' eyes promised a bit butt the second he was let out.

"Oh and today is your flea bath day by the way."

Kratos' eyes went wide in horror.

"I'll be by in a little bit to help Lloyd tie you up and drag you to a stream, and if you're good I'll let Lloyd know of the 'switch' before dinner tonight, on the other hand if you aren't I'll let Lloyd figure it out in his own. If it comes to _that_ you'll be trapped as me for quite a while now wont you?"

Kratos' hand snaked through the fence, petted the green fuzzy head. Kratos looked up thorugh the bars at the protozoan who wore his form and growled.

"Oh stop being a grouch, try to look at the bright side of things, there are a ton of things you can do as me that you can't do as you. If nothing else if you insist on beong a grouch I'll have fun with this. Till later then." Noishe turned on his borrowed form's heel and chuckling to himself padded back to the house.


	4. Desians and Dell

_Not too funny, just me venting TOS style about the computer crisis. I let my evil side out a bit, or maybe let my inner Kvar play for a bit. I do not own Kratos, Kvar, Magnius, Anna, or any of the other characters that exist in TOS, however I do own Kasan… Since I am Kasan. Completely random, anti-cannon, stupidity to follow. _

Siccing Desians on Dell

"Mass destruction, devastation, and torture." Kvar's eyes began to light up with every word he repeated till they seemed to glow with pride. "I love you Kasan-sama!"

"I find this disturbing." Forcystus sighed, staring at the hearts floating over Kvar's head. "Why me, why not Magnius?"

"Magnius is... occupied." Kasan ran a hand through her hair and smiled sheepishly at the Desian cardinal.

"You mean he's under ten feet of sod as you bumped him off." Kvar cackled. "She's killing off the useless ones, then it will just be me left, me to rule the world and…"

"Useless?" Forcystus frowned; his canon arm thing began to glow.

"Guys, cool it." Kasan gave both Desian's a long hard look. "My computer's trashed but I'd appreciate it if the rest of the room stays as is."

"You like having mountains of paper in piles on every surface that isn't covered with trinkets or pencils?" Forcystus muttered to himself.

"Don't make me Raine you." Kasan growled. "I need villains and you two were the only ones available."

"Why not Rodyle?"

"I have a leash on Kvar, a tight leash that's named Kratos. On the other hand being the, oblivious to everything save his plans, arrogant, SOB, that he is Rodyle doesn't even know that Kratos is a Se-"

"Is a Se?"

"Is my… servant?"

"That sounded like a question."

"Forcystus, why don't you go ran sack the kitchen or something." Kasan firmly shoved the one armed man to the door leading to the hallway. "Just head to your right, it's on the left hand side after the bookshelf."

"I don't have a-"

The door slammed shut.

"Let a little something slip did you?"

"Kvar, shut up!"

"But I'm being evil…"

"You got enough of that in DES thank you very much."

"Ohhh… do I smell fear?"

"You take one step towards me and I'll sic Kratos on you."

"Hmm… I think I see where I get it from, you can be a sadistic little…"

"Finish that sentence and say hello to Kratos _and_ Anna, both armed with jagged knives, you tied up on a table for half an hour."

"Anna's dead."

"Resurrection fic, I think I'll title it "Vengeance"."

At those words Kvar paled and became more tame then the meekest quietest thing in Sylvarant, Tethe-alla, and Earth combined. Meekness not being Kvar's thing it held for five seconds.

"I hate you." Kvar grumbled.

"Ditto."

"Ditto?"

"Slang, never mind way too complicated for you to get."

"So who is this Dell person you want us to-?" Kvar crossed a finger over his throat and made a noise reminiscent of someone choking on their own blood.

"It's an organization, and I bought a computer from them almost seven months and they've had to replace the thing three times and send repair people out every few weeks cuz it keeps breaking."

"How's that relevant?"

"The Story, your lives, all in that computer, and you know that kick tail chapter/fighting scene against you Lloyd, Kratos, and Colette it's gone now cuz Dell's computer fried."

"The one where I stab Kratos in the back and twist the blade?" Kvar's eyes went puppy wide and were wounded.

"Un huh."

"You will be re-writing it wont you?"

"I dunno I just don't remember how it went…"

"But it's the only chapter I kick Kratos' butt… he cuts me to ribbons after…" Kvar sniffled.

"You pouting… scary." Kasan scooted back.

"Hey, just because I personify your fears of the ultimate corruption of human nature…"

"Huh?"

"Obsession, sadism, bloodlust, cruelty, insanity… If you didn't know _that_ than you and your subconscious need to have a very long talk."

"How can I talk to my subconscious, it's below the conscious, it's impossible to communicate to."

There was a long thoughtful silence.

"I could surgically remove it." Kvar said brightly, and then scooted a little closer to the disgusted authoress.

"I swear to God I'll call Kratos if you move one inch closer to me…"

"HEY KASAN WHAT ARE THESE BLUE CANS TITLED PEPSI FOR!"

"I hate mid-evil society based characters…" Kasan sighed. "You drink them Forcystus!"

"HOW?"

"For the love of… BRING ONE IN HERE AND I'LL SHOW YOU!"

"Is that all you'll show…"

"That's it, Kratos!"

There was a flash of red light not too dissimilar to the light that summoned a pokemon in the anime series.

"Why do I have this sudden urge to say my name like a battle cry?" The seraphim muttered. "I was busy you know."

"Well excuse me, at least you weren't in the shower."

"Not that she'd not like to see that, rabid fan girl that she…"

"Kvar problems?" Kratos muttered, ignoring the Desian to address the writer.

"And then some could you?"

"With utmost pleasure." Cricking his knuckles the seraphim strolled up to Kvar who was turning very pale.

"Nothing permanent, you have to wait seven chapters before you get to make it permanent!"

"Seven chapters?" Kratos whinned.

"Seven chapters!" Kvar screamed in terror. "Just seven, but I'm your favorite!"

"Umm hate to break this to you but you aren't. I actually hate you more then Calista from Coldfire, and that guys been holding the top spot for like… five years."

A portal shimmered into existence.

"Nooooo!" Kvar was dragged off, leaving claw marks in the carpet.

"I brought the Pepsi, and a few other things!" Forcystus chirped, opening the door. Seeing Kvar being dragged off by a winged human the Desian dropped the food.

"A human Seraphim?"

Kasan sighed, picked up the dictionary and whapped the Desian on the back of the head. Forcystus' eyes glazed, he staggered forward and fell on the carpet.

"If you could take him with you." Kasan pointed the Forcystus. "Brain wash him into forgetting everything please."

Kratos, Kasan's TOS muse, nodded.

"On one condition; stay out of the Oreo's and Pepsi, you'll get sugar rush and write some evil drizzle like that Mary-Sue creature and me."

"Promise on my author's honor." Kasan crossed her fingers behind her back.

"Good," Kratos nodded, appeased, and chucked Kvar through the portal then went to Forcystus and grabbed the man by hthe scruff of his tunic and dragged the green haired elf to the glowing gate. "You might want to try the other fandoms, no offense but these guys are all going to be dead in like a month so and except for Yggdrasil, well there all wusses…"

"Pokemon… way too innocent and fluffy to work, and Giovanni's retired and wasn't a murderer by chose so he wouldn't work anyways. Castlevania… I have to have a fic or it won't work…. Starfox, I'm not bringing that out ever again, lessee… Oh Ganondorf, he'll work!"

"The dark skinned pyromaniac?"

"If you consider it they burned me with this crappy deal."

"Poetic justice?"

"Hee hee… poetic justice and then some."

"I worry about you sometimes." Kratos said dragging the Desian to the gate. "Whatever you do I don't want to hear about it."

"Squeamish?"

"No, I just know how that little, twisted, demented, vengeful, mind runs itself."

"Hey I can be nice! You had Anna for thirty nine chapters!"

"You made me into a suicidal, homicidal, emotionally stunted, and slightly demented character after my wife's death." Kratos growled.

"Scratch slightly and then you'll know why all the fan girls love you!"

"You're all crazy." Kratos grumbled, going through the portal. "When your time comes you'll regret it!"

"My time will never come!"

Little did they know how wrong Kasan was.

(sequel to this comming soon, will be titled TOS horror)


	5. Kats and cats

Katz and Cats…

_These events occur sometime during the "Regeneration" journey as it is. The events are so traumatic that the later Hero's of Regeneration have taken a vow to never speak of it._

"Aww… Look at the people in the kitty suits Lloyd!"

"Huh?" Lloyd blinked sleepiness from his scattered brain.

During their journey Lloyd had mastered the skill of sleeping while walking, it was his sanity's final survival mechanism against Raine's endless history chatter. So far the journey had been breaking seals and wandering here and there and Raine got so bored with walking that she decided to liven it up with a endless lecture. Genis was happy with it, Colette was happy just to see Raine happy, Kratos had bought earmuffs and earplugs and wore them constantly now, Noishe had howled and whined until Kratos had bought him a pair of earmuffs that the dog now wore every time Raine opened her mouth and Lloyd…

Well he found his own way.

While she walked she showered on them with information, and while _he_ walked Lloyd napped.

Which explained as to why he was sleepy mid-noon and how even though they had been tromping through one of the hundred little villages they saw in their Regeneration journey he was –or rather had been- comatose.

"Oh them… I guess so…" Lloyd stared at the men in pink cat suits and frowned. "What kinda guy wears pink?"

Genis stared at the people and cat suits and blinked, his attention broke from his sister's lecture and Raine seeing his lack of attention was for one second torn. A smack would teach them all to pay attention to her when she LECTRUED, luckily for all the children curiosity had won out. This was the first time since breakfast that she'd seen Lloyd showing so much of an iota of interest in the world around him, and if it was that interesting perhaps she could use it and put it into her current monologue…

"Children," Raine grabbed Colette and Lloyd's arms knowing those two would be most likely to to dart ahead to talk to these "interesting" new people. "We should leave the crazy people in cat costumes alone, they might be dangerous."

"Did she say something not history related?" Kratos yelled to Noishe.

The dog frowned, as much as a green and white, three hundred pound, horse sized dog, could, and shook his head.

At the word "cat" the two bipedial feline masquerading "humans" turned to the elf, bloody daggers err claws promised in their gaze.

"Merow ftt I demand… I don't care about protocol Fluffy! If I hear another merow rower rower ft…"

Raine, Lloyd, and Genis rose an eyebrow and stared at the short –almost dwarf short- person in a cat costume trying to come at them. It was the cat person in pink, his hands were curled into the likeness of claws and he was meowing at the top of his lungs. "Fluffy" a person in a blue cat suit was holding his fellow by the poofed out tail.

"We're KATZ you ignorant ape fescue byproducts! NOT CATS!"

"Ignorant!" Raine screamed, pulling her staff out from the air it seemed.

"Oh crap! No Raine don… tuh..." Genis put a hand over his face and sighed as the Kat and Raine were having a "cat fight" in the center of the street. "I'm not related to her, not related to her… I don't even know her…" Genis chanted his mantra that he'd learned after enduring years of RUIN mode and LIBRARY mode and now added ANTI-KAT mode to the list of times he'd say his "secret" mantra.

"Get 'em Professor!" Lloyd cheered, eager to watch any fight now because walking and sleeping were so boring, how sleeping and walking could be boring to the person who was sleeping would be a mystery to them all…

"Ohh Meeowmew… this is going to get us no business at all…." Fluffy sighed, then looked at the group of human's ready to apologize. He spotted Kratos and his beady little green eyes went wide. "OMG… you… you're… the GRADE is blinding!"

"Oh M Gee?" Colette blinked, since Raine was busy trying to kill the cat person and the cat person was equally occupied trying to kill her she went to the mercenary. "Mr. Kratos what is OMG?"

"I'm sorry Chosen, did you say something!" Kratos frowned at the girl, not quite able to hear her voice… he fought to remember if they had gotten to the voice draining seal but his keen memory failed him and… Lloyd slipped into the edge of his vision and mimed pulling something off of his ears... Oh the earmuffs, pulling them off then pulling out the earplugs Kratos blinked at the sound of blessed non-Raine history chatting. Granted the pile of dust in the center of the road had sounds of Raine screaming in agony as she was probably being ripped apart by a monster, but that was a sound he could live with… Atually it was a sound he could grow to like. "I'm sorry Chosen, could you repeat what you said?"

"I'm really sorry to bother you Mr. Kratos, but there is this person called Fluffy and he keeps saying the funniest thing, it sounds like… ohh it's so hard to say because it sounds so funny. Not funny funny but funny kind of funny you know and… Oh dear what was I going to ask? I'm sorry Mr. Kratos, it was what that fluffy person in a Cat suit was screaming a little while…"

"OMG!" The Kat named Fluffy screamed on the top of his lungs.

"What's that thing saying?" Kratos asked, pointed at the Kat.

"Yep, you're really smart Mr. Kratos."

"OMGeeeeee!" The Kat's eyes were getting moist. "The Grade!"

"I have no idea what that thing wants, it must be another language…" Kratos fingered the hilt of his silver sword. Come along Chosen, Lloyd, Genis, we need to get out of here before that crazy _thing_ attacks us… It looks rabid."

"Aww, the kitty has hearts floating over his head…"

That was the last thing any of them had the chance to say before the blue kat's ears twitched at the words "get out of hear" and slicked back in horror.

"No no nonononono! You caaan't leave meow!"

Seeing that Kratos was leaving, and taking the three confused children with him the Katz made a desperate decision. Risking life and limb for Grade like any good Katz would he ran past the still fighting Meeeowmew and Raine and charged Kratos. Kratos' blade was not strong enough to win out against the almighty Kat trademark "pounce/glomp" attack.

"Purrr…" Fluffy wrapped his fore paws around Kratos' waist. "You can't leave my beautiful Grade brimming sword wielding friend!"

"Get this thing off of me!" Kratos roared.

"Umm you're the dog, bark at it…" Genis said to Noishe.

"Wine!" If a dog could scream "no" then this one did and turned tail and ran off.

"Genis… Noishe is scared of cats."

"It's Katz my little grade poverty stricken swordsman!" Fluffy purred, snuggling against the mercenary.

"Must not use Judgment… must not use eruption… must not use Grave…" Kratos muttered under his breath.

"Judgment?" Lloyd blinked at the mercenary. "What's that?"

"Nothing…" Kratos squeaked, eyes doubling in size to express innocence.

"Un huh…" Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Sure…"

"If you must know… it's a… a magi-tech knife I carry that I stole from a Desian." Kratos lied.

"Cool, can I see it!"

"Get this ca-"

"Kat…" Flufy corrected. "Meow… I love you Mr. Grade man, why wasn't my Grade stocking filled to brimming last year Mr. Grade man?"

"I'm not here… I'm not seeing this…." Genis muttered. "Palmacosta, I'm at Palmacosta's academy taking that nice, fifty page, stress free test on calculus…"

"Aww there are more hearts floating over the kitty's head!" Colette chirped.

_-Some hours later-_

"You're telling me this "Grade" is your currency, except we can't see but you can?" Kratos was brushing the fine blue hairs off of his tunic while he talked; Fluffy had wrapped his paws around Kratos' ankles to keep the mercenary from running away.

"Yep!" Fluffy's eyes were glowing with happiness. "And you my friend have Grade coming out of the…"

Raine's staff descended smacking the blue Kat between his ears.

"Oww…" Fluffy whimpered, still not letting go of Kratos.

"Oww…" Genis rubbed his head in sympathy pain.

The pink Kat who had lost the "cat fight" lay in the center of the street staring at the painful constellations flashing behind his half open eyes.

"And grade is determined by…"

"Battle, skill, number… must not look up… the Grade so bright…"

"And if I give you a grade piece will you go away and let go…"

The blue Kat started to drool, and Kratos winced. Lloyd dumped his back to the side of the road and began to rummage through it.

"So how much Grade do I have?" Genis said, and the blue Kat turned to him and stopped drooling at Kratos' feet.

"Hmm… you my poor Grade stunted child have twenty Grade."

"And my sis?"

"Even worse.. she has ten Grade."

"What do I have Mr. Kitty?"

"Hmm I hate to say this… but your grand Grade total is… zip."

"Oh that sounds like a high number!" Colette chirped.

"How 'bout me?" Lloyd asked, still rummaging through his packs.

"One hundred, a decent amount for a child your age…"

"And what does Mr. Kratos have?"

The Kat named the number and everyone stopped breathing.

"Say that again… slowly." Genis whispered.

"234,654,987,999,999,543,089,022." The Kat purred, tightened his grip with each place value he named.

"Someone, do something… I can't feel my feet…" Kratos moaned, wiggling his toes in valiant hope that blood would get to them.

"Here we go!" Lloyd smiled. "Um Fluffy wasn't it?"

"Meow, yes?"

Lloyd pulled a ball of yarn from his packs.

Kratos was released and while walking on all fours the Kat rubbed against Lloyd and purred.

"Go fetch!"

Lloyd threw and Fluffy as well as the normal mundane cat population of the town went after the ball of yarn, there was yet another "cat fight" in the center of the road.

While the Katz and cats were all so entertained they all ran from that town and decided the monster infested wilderness was by far a much safer place to spend that night.


	6. A Renegade’s Entertainment

Fluff/humor attempt involving the Renegades... There's a contradiction in that somewhere. Wrote this at like 2 in the morning... sorry if it's not coherent. Beginning is an altered clipit from "Shards"

"A Renegade's Entertainment"  
One day in the Renegade base Sylvarant...

_"Ow, shit!"_

Lloyd rubbed his scorched cheek and glared at the miniature pillar thingie. 

"I can't believe a rock just bit me! You stupid..." He kicked at it, his time it was his toe that got cooked by purple light. "Ack, Damn it... I thought only fire burned! Ow ow ow!" He hopped a bit, brought his toe up and breathed on his toes, that were very visible since the boot had literally been cooked away. "Man this stinks." He sniffed and made a face. "In more then one way..."

He put his stinging foot down, and learned first hand -or rather foot- how cold the steel was. A quick glance around showed him where the "panels" were. They were the only thing not made of metal in the room. He stared at the green thing, walked across it, hopped up and down on it. Nothing, absolutely nothing. He sat, tapped his head with a finger trying to remember where he'd heard that sound before...

He recalled the time Genis had tossed a fireball in his father's smithy and set off a small explosion. No that hadn't made the right sound...  
He recalled the water spell Genis used on him as they trekked through the dessert. Considering he was on cold steel tiled floor he quickly banished those thoughts.

Certainly wasn't wind mana, not earth mana, so what was left?  
He rubbed his head, sparks snapped from his hair, and he had it!

Lightning! Thunder! Electricity! That was it!

Now all he needed was a small thunderstorm in room and he was set!  
Then reality reared it's head... Without Genis he might as well be stuck, unless he wanted to rub his head against the tiles and hope that it would open the doors. But then staying here forever was pretty stupid, and if it worked... Well if it did he wouldn't say a word to Genis about how he did it. Taking a deep breath, hoping he was right, Lloyd went to the pedestal and with a grimace lowered his head.  
  
X

Botta's eyes gleamed with humor, his lips twitched, his face beamed warmth that sometimes would bubble up in cases of the giggles. It had been like this for two days. One day, one instant, and Yuan would have ascribed it to the "giggles". That annoying epidemic that made fools of the most wise and grated on his nerves. Two days and he was forced to wonder if there was something plastered to his cape, a sticky reading "kick me" or something under those lines. For the supposed saviors of the world the Renegades could be rather childish, he'd put a stop to some very stupid pranks in his time as Leader and forlornly wondered if the fits of juvenile behavior were some result of Mithos holding the controls of the two worlds for far too long. Perhaps immaturity was a contagious thing, and it drifted on the mana that radiated out from the Tower.

If so it was another reason to see the blasted thing demolished.

Looking at his Second's suppressed grin and twinkling eyes Yuan told himself to check his cape after the man had left.

"Report." Yuan snapped, and at this show of ill humor, the actually inflection of bad mood coloring his words with a tint of anger, Botta did not sober up.

"The... Chosen and her companions... have last been seen approaching Ossa trail Sir."

"Is that it, is that all you have to say Second?"

"Yes Sir, permission to leave Sir?"

"Granted." Yuan stared at the clock on his desk and frowned, Botta had plead some duty around this time the day before... on the exact same hour even. This was a serious break in their custom, it was almost a break in protocol. Frowning, Yuan snapped his sapphire gaze up and narrowed his gaze so that it bore into Botta's back like a drill. "Hold it, Second Botta." 

Botta froze, his white robes rustled about him he stopped so suddenly. Yuan pushed the chair back and stood, the only sound that marked his presence was the whispered of his cape behind him, he stopped a step away from his humored Second, then crossed his arms in front of his chest. Had it been anyone else under his glare and impassive arms-crossed pose they'd have been stewing in their own sweat. Botta was more relaxed around his superior then any of the other Renegades, but than that relaxation was based on the tentative friendship between them.

"I find it very... fascinating that for two days straight you have had pressing business on the second hour past noon that demands you leave my presence."

"I am busy Sir, and have business on this hour."  
"And I also find it fascinating that when you leave it is much like the air of a child going to the candy store."

"Ah..." Botta blinked, and there came that sheen of sweat appeared on his brow and faint scent of fear Yuan was oh so accustomed to scenting now hung in the air.

"If you would enlighten me upon what exactly you are doing I might find it in my heart to let you go."

"We are going over the security tapes... Sir... to study the weakness' in the bases' ah... defenses." Botta swallowed nervously. 

"Indeed..." Yuan frowned. "If you were then why are you so scared Botta? You look like I've caught you rummaging through my possessions."

"I am not used to being interrogated Sir." 

"Until I get a fuller answer Botta,_ get_ used to being questioned. If I find any of the men have even put one camera or tape recorder in my private chambers there will be heads rolling on the floor. Literally. Now get out." Yuan went to his chair, sank into the leather and was all but obscured by the mess of papers on his desk. He reached up, took a handful and snatched up a pen, burrowing himself in the asinine day to day work running a bureaucratic organization entailed.

"Sir... we wouldn't do that... The Renegades respect you too much for any of us to even discuss doing that."

"It's not respect Second, it's fear, nothing more nothing less."

Botta made a noise of protest but he did leave, perhaps the man realized his chat with Yuan was going to make him late to whatever entertainment he had stumbled over. Uncaring, or rather putting on the facade of indifference Yuan went over the first paper...

Sylvarant's Trietian base was making a request for more water to be sent so they wouldn't be leaching off of the human settlement's scant supplies. A good cause... but where to get that water, that was an issue. Finder drumming into the desk, mind wandering over a few plans, it wasn't long before Botta and his little entertainment were long forgotten. 

X

"Sir, umm Botta, you made it!" A black clad man sporting a shiny steel helmet smiled and waved upon seeing him. "Does Lord Yuan give you too much work or what?"

"Something like that." Botta smiled at Aroon, the younger Renegade swordsman chuckled at his superior's follow up question. "How was patrol?"   
"Slow... boring... even the bandits are getting bored, no ones trying to kill each other anymore. We just tromp in a hundred plus weather cookin' our brains in these..." Aroon tapped the helmet and Botta chuckled. "And scare humans to make it look like there is a Desian camp somewhere out there."

"Ah." Botta sniffed the air, there was a hint of fire mana, butter about the room. The sound of corn seedlings bursting into nice, white, fluffy popcorn made him smile.

"So... you do have it right?"

Grinning Botta summoned the disk, and it appeared in his hand with a flash of red light.

"Alright!" Aroon laughed. "Damn those Tethe'allan Renegades, they got to watch it first! Talk about being on the short end of the stick. They always get the good stuff first." 

"Oh stop whining and put it in!" Called a Renegade who was done setting up the projector disk. They'd set the playing disk -the one in Botta's hand- on the three foot long disk on the floor and all images on the "playing disk" would be revealed in three dimensional glory. It made the Tethe'allan device called "television" seem like a joke.

"It could be worse." Botta said, handing the disk to Aroon. "They had to watch it on TV, we get the Projector."

Seeing that the food was being handled by the few Renegades who could cook, and the refreshment table for this miniature party was almost done being set up he decided to help the Renegades who were setting up the thirty or so chairs. The only bad thing was that this disk would have to be used several times, since it was only possible for thirty people to comfortably be fit in the room with the Projector. Botta wondered how many viewings he could squeak in before Yuan became really suspicious, and decided he'd get in as many as he could.

He'd seen this before, of course they all had seen it before as Yuan had shown it to them to rail about how bad security was. After all a child with wooden swords breaking out of their base was inexcusable... But when a Renegade with a slip of humor had seen those tapes he'd requested a copy and had made some alterations. 

"_And here we see test subject Lloyd whatever his last name is name watching the game of poker being played_..."

They were playing it now? There were some cat calls, some whining, and the person who had accidently pressed play turned it off and reset it. Already there were some snickers from the gathered Renegades, and Botta decided that whoever had made that comparison to the narrator sounding like a girly Yuan was absolutely correct. The idea of listening to that narrator for a good half hour sounded nice, especially since he had to deal with the real and completely humorless Yuan day in and day out.  
X

It was over in a half hour, a well spent half hour, and after hearing that he knew he'd not be able to look the real Yuan in the face without breaking out into laughter. Still chuckling to himself he made his way to his office to tackle the paperwork that being Yuan's second entailed. There were times he felt the fool for taking the job of Second, the paperwork if nothing else... That was perhaps on of the most Hellish aspect of his work. Opening the door there greeted him a castle load of papers, if he sat at his chair he'd be hidden save for the spikes of his hair.

Being a Renegade foot solder again never seemed so alluring.

Initial mental grumbling aside Botta took his seat and snatched at the top of the nearest pile. It was time to get to work. Overall it was dull, plodding, but a lot of it demanded that he answer it immediately so he spent several hours at his desk and only called it quits when the mana fueled clock on the wall told him it was ten-o-clock. He was half awake, half asleep, and considering the mountain load of responsibility he had the fuddled state that left him in it was the closest to "drunk" he'd been in ages. His keen mind scattered it's thoughts and happily drifted to images of a soft feather mattress and linen sheets. So he picked up the papers that he was to turn in to Yuan.

He thought for a second on the humorless dour Seraph, considered that the man had probably not left his desk in a day...

Later he would say that it must have been his sleep deprivation that made him do it, but whatever the cause he put in the last paper in the "go to Yuan" pile, picked up the lot of it, then shuffled off to his superior's office. He failed to notice that the altered disk was missing from his desk.

X

"Botta, is that all for me? I just cleared off my desk and you give me more to do, I'd be touched... but I'm not." Botta did not rise to the sarcasm or teasing, and spying the black rings and bleary eyes the blue haired Seraph did not wonder as to why. Botta muttered a few words, a genuine lack of sleep on black haired half elf's part blurring them so that even his keep ears couldn't tell him what they were. He dismissed his Second with a curt "Get to sleep you look like Hell" then stared at the first bit of white on his once clear desk.

"Rene... you were right, I should have just kept this small. You were always warning me about the paper work and I should have just listened to you instead of going on about how much better I am then a mortal to tending everything. Now look at me... I'm a damned Bureaucrat!" Yuan let out a bark of laughter. "You and Martel must be having a laugh about all of this now..."

Yuan smiled, ran a digit over his wedding ring.  
"But we're getting closer, so close to a time where we can actually hurt them, so it will be worth it in the end..."

Talking to the ghosts of his past however was not conductive to clearing off his desk, so he reached out and picked up the last of the paperwork. Perhaps if he got it all done before two in the morning he'd reward himself by attempting to sleep. Now there was a pleasing thought! Smiling the Seraph picked off the first paper, as he reached for a pen a glint of metal caught his attention. 

"What the...?"

Yuan pulled out a small hand held disk that was compatible with a projector or the newer models of the Tethe'allan television.

Written on the front in large but stark black lettering was "Entertainment R. Meros, 7, origca 4242, camera unit xs984E3"

"Entertainment hmmm..." Yuan considered the disk, considered his desk. He had a mini-projector unit, while the image would be small he could at least listen to it and snatch peeks while he was working. "It's worth a shot... Let's see what they find amusing then."

He got very little work done that evening.

X

The guards who held evening watch outside of Yuan's office blinked, was that... snickering? They looked at each other in askance, but none had the courage to go to the door and disturb their Lord. They almost hopped out of their plate mail when the heard a high pitched laughter arched through the air and a few muffled curses punctured by wheezes drifted through the steel door and to their ears.

"What in God's name is going on in there, has he finally...?" The younger whispered, then put a finger to his temple and spun it in a circle to give the universal sign for nuts.

"Eyes forward, ears closed, just keep telling yourself that." Muttered the senor guard. 

"But..."

"Do you _want_ to be fried with a shock orb?"

"No sir!"

"Then just don't ask him anything when he finally does come out."

X  
Custom dictated that he was to report to Yuan in the morning, go to his office and begin any paperwork that had been left for him the night before, then oversee what patrols were under maned. He did so, Yuan had stared at him strangely but had curtly ordered him from the office after a mere second of stepping inside. This break of tradition, this lack of briefing on the Chosen or... anything was a bit alarming. Still Botta did as ordered and went through with the rest of his routine. Upon returning he tackled the last of his paperwork and found someone had inserted an envelope with a few scrawls in a language he couldn't quite read. Frowning Botta ripped the thing open, and a small hand sized disk slipped out.

_Oh my Goddess, I gave this to him. When... it must of been last... Did he watch- _

Botta felt his mouth sag open, terror, horror, fear, flashed across his eyes and he stared in numb shock as a small slip of paper slid out of the envelope. With a trembling hand he unfolded it, the letter quaked in his hand making it all the more harder to read.

_Second Botta,_

I imagine you need this back for today's Renegade Entertainment. The contents were... interesting to say the least. I would like to know the identity of the man who made this it seems as if he needs a faulty castration procedure reversed.

Lord Yuan  
  
Botta stared at the note, did not blink for a long time, and like that day almost twenty years ago when he got his first note from Yuan declaring his promotion Botta reached out and pinched his arm. He did not wake up, nor did the letter's writing changed.

He read the letter again and the horror drained out of him, and a faint hint of a smile touched his face.

Perhaps his Lord was not as humorless as he had thought.


	7. G ID C?

This is based off of a skit that I made up in a forum game... those at the site will know where it's from to the rest of you it will all be new, enjoy

G ID C (Gender identitification confusion)

Beaten by Kratos, the Chosen, or rather Chosenes' (as there was more then one Chosen with them at the time) were being kindly escorted up the winding silver and marble paths of Derris Kharlan. It was a somber gathering, a troop of soulless angels surrounding the group of children of Sylvarant and Tethealla with spears drawn and leveled to deliver a fatal blow at the order of their leader the Angel of death. The city was silence, silver and silence, and that silence was pierced by the tromp of feet and the appreciative whistle from the red haired Chosen.

"Angel hunnies everywhere, whooh I am in heaven."

He paused to try to look up the skirt of a Angel as if fluttered by but the Tetheallan Ninja smacked him with her fist on the back of the head.

You are _sick_, I knew you were a perv..." Sheena tugged on that mess of hair so that the man's eyes squinted up in pain and he missed the sight of what lay under the white robes of yet another angel that flew over head. "but they don't even have souls."

"Ow... ouch, alright eyes on ground I promise!"

Sheena let go of the flowing locks of fire hued hair and Zelos sighed in relief.

"Consider it this way hunny, who needs souls when you got knockers like those chicks? Although considering present company I'd say they pale to a certain voluptuous someone..." Zelos' hand strayed down and Sheena's hand descended upon the sore skull. "Owww!" Zelos clutched his head. "Hey Krabby could you move me up with Colette or something?" 

Kratos haulted, the other angels escorting them halted, and the Seraphim of Death glared at Zelos with such anger that the Chosen gulped and almost passed out.

"No, I will not, do not ask again, and it is Kratos, Chosen of Tethe'alla."

Zelos nodded meekly and decided to try some new exercise for his looks called the knee knock.

"You know I believe it is the first time I've had someone drive me to the point that I've wanted to be put in a cell before if that meant getting away from them." Raine muttered.

"Amen." Sheena growled.

"I don't understand?" Colette stared at them all in confusion.

Before anyone could pause to try yet again to explain what a pervert was and why Zelos was being socially unacceptable Kratos cut it all off with two words

"We've arrived."

"Wow, sound enthused old man."

Kratos eyebrow rose, as he had spoken in a dull monotone. Not much caring for the sarcasm the Seraph summoned his wings and fluttered off to talk to an angel behind a mess of controls.

"So much for just reaching out and pressing a button." Lloyd sighed, staring at the button-less cells.

"Ha, so that's how you got out in Triet!" Genis chirped, now that he knew at long last how Lloyd had escaped he was going to take total advantage of that...

"Everyone shush." Zelos hissed, "My blonde Hunny's trying to listen and she can't with your yapping."

"Your hunny." Sheena growled.

"Your hunny!" Lloyd sputtered.

Colette, oblivious to is all continued with her report that only Regal, Persea and Zelos had been able to hear. "He's talking to some angels in angelic... security... identification problem... they mentioned Zelos a few times..."

"You're a chosen right?" Lloyd scratched at the back of his head. "Why aern't you doing this?"

"I... I don't know Angelic Okay?"  
"Ha ha Zelos doesn't know angeeelic!"

"Shut up brat!"

"Everyone," Regal's cool voice swept over them all and silenced them all with tone alone. "We must remain quiet so Colette can listen." 

Kratos seemed to finish talking to the angel. Lazily he glided down to them, upon landing he turned to Regal and offered a sketchy nod of his head. "That would be unnessicary Mr. Bryant. It seems as if... there is a dificulty identifying Zelos. The prisoners are to be seperated by gender and the visual reports are conflicting with the knowledge in Cruxis data base."

There was a long silence, and not even crickets -for there were none in Derris Kharlan- dared chirp for a long long moment.

Finally, "They can't tell whether he's a guy or a girl?" Lloyd reasoned. 

"That is correct."

Genis began to laugh and make comments about the new girl in thier party.

"Shut UP!" Zelos smacked Genis on the head Raine style.

Genis clutched his head and moaned in pain.

"Zelos!" Raine smacked the Chosen upside the head. "Do not ever think it is acceptable to discipline my brother ever!"

Zelos merely clutched his throbbing skull and whimpered.

"I swear you stick him with the girls I'll kill you." Sheena growled at the Seraph.

"Ms. Sheena, I am a seraphim, not a sadistic bastard. There are limits to what crimes I'll comit.

"Oh come on! Think of it as fulfilling a last request hunny!"

Kratos growled and his fist connected with the Chosen's face. Whimpering in pain the Chosen wailed out a pathetic. "Owww... what was that for!" To which Kratos only growled that if he was ever called "hunny" again he'd vivisect the person in question.  
"Ouch, hit by Raine and Kratos." Lloyd muttered to Genis.

"Owww... Geeze my voluptuous hunny what was that for?"

"...and Sheena." Genis added.

"We might all die down here and you just had to touch my butt ung you sick..."

"But it might be my last day alive hunny, don't you believe in last requests?"

Kratos hid his face with a hand "Put them in their cells already..." He growled at the angelic soldiers.


	8. teh ph34er

Teh ph34r

_More bizarre then funny… but I've been wanting to write this for some crazy reason. Warning: ton of Zelos bashing and self insertion within. Title like the rest of this fic is completely random but what can you do, when the mood seizes you... OK me... you write crazy like._

_Sequel to Mary Sue (the first story in the archive)_

"'lo…" Yawning, the brown haired human looked up from the computer and stared at the gapping Seraph. "Mornin' Yuan!"

"Who the Hell are you!"

"You said that to Lloyd… it's getting really old Yuan."

"How did you know about that!" The blue haired seraph sputtered.

"Looong story, anyway, thank for letting me borrow your computer, um the "Angelic Mural" writing program is "Windows" compatible right?"

Yuan blinked, seeing the look of total confusion Kasan sighed.

"Never mind, I'll just save on my disk and you can have your computer back."

There was a hiss of the swallow being drawn and Kasan gulped as the blade rested against her throat.

"I've heard about _you_. I've been wondering why the eclectic bill sky rocketed this last month!"

"Heh… You know the Renegades come in and plays minesweeper at night, right?"

"Kratos told me all about you-" Yuan went on, deciding to ignore the minesweeper comment for now. "-he's going insane with Zelos for company for all eternity!"

"And do what?" Kasan shrugged. "He started it!"

"And you called my lines old? That has to be the most infantile juvenile line…"

"Great… now you show off your vocabulary, well you can just shut it Yuan!"

_Lloydism!_

"What the _Hell_ was that!" (Need any ask who said that?)

"A mysterious voice that echoes. It comes from no where and everywhere at once." Kasan snapped. "Really Yuan, it's a god-mode trick that only authors can use in the given universe that they crea… tuh… Wait a second… This is Shards right… or did I type the wrong address again?"

_Ohhh Shards updateupdateupdateupdate UPDATE!_

"Shards?"

"Even longer story… actually ten hundred million pages now."

"That's long, and you wrote it?"

"Am writing. It's a WIP."

"WEhpuh?"

"Work in Progress. I'm only on chapter 200, the one where Lloyd ties his shoes."

"Don't you _have_ a life?"

"No, why do you a-" Kasan sighed. "You talk like it's a bad thing or something. And when did you start talking like Kratos?"

_Kawiii fan-UPDATE!_

There was a flash of light and when it dissipated Yuan was in a bright pink… frilly (did I mention pink?) dress.

"Oh my…" Kasan, began to chuckle.

Yuan screamed like a girl and ran off.

_Hee hee… If I bring Kratos back it can be a Yaoi fic…_

"Woah woah, non Canon, it aien't happening on my watch! And how the heck are you going to pull it off?"

… _need to evacuate Derris Kharlan 'fore impact then…._

"Before _impact_, you'll smash Symphonia to bits if you throw Derris Kharlan-!"

_The shinny purple thing… _The voice interrupted.

"_Derris Kharlan_." The author growled. "Is twice the size of Symphonia!"

_Oh… well they could move to Derris Kharlan and live happily ever after…_

"Stupid rabid K/Y fanatic…."

_I heard that!_

"Like I care!" Grumbling Kasan sighed and summoned a portal that would take her to Derris Kharlan… alas it had been changed by the cracker…

"Oh my god… no… I'm not going in there."

"_It's the song that never eeeeeeends! It goes on and on my frieeeeeends! Someone started singing it never knowing what it waaaaaaas!"_

The white portal was turned a bright pink. Screamed out from that cotton candy hued expanse were bright cheerful lyrics of the most annoying of Colette's song collection. The volume was comparable to headphones maxed out with heavy rock music playing.

Kasan whimpered. "Is there no other way?"

The portal kept on singing, and since it was "the song that never ended"… well the song never ended.

"Must remember to take cyanide next time I go into potentially eternal portal loop…" Kasan muttered to herself. "Oh well I have my trusty scimitar if all else fail…" Patting the weapon for reassurance the author blinked, and pulled out a Noishe plushy that had somehow fit in the belt. "You took my Icedeath scimitar of quickness plus three against undead and negative influenced enteties!" Kasan screamed, revealing to the world her D&D geekiness at long last. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

-After the Genis scream/moment then stepping through the portal (about five hours later)-

"Never… doing… that… again…"

The portal continued to sing gleefully and Kasan was fazed when a casually thrown Indignation tech did nothing to shut it up.

"Damn… must be sapping my author skills and techs…"

"Ahhh…. Not the face!" Screaming like a girl Zelos charged by, a pink dagger in hand, Roaring like a maniac and gaining, all the while wielding a bat, was Kratos.

"Yes the face, and the head, the _back_ of the head, several times! How dare you change my clothes around to those demeaning!" -the bat smashed against a nearby building missing Zelos by mere inches- "under fabriced!" –another miss- "pornographically tight pants!"

Kasan sweat dropped.

"Umm Kratos… you're in a bath robe you know that right?"

"You, this must be your doing!" Kratos shrieked, turning on the author, bat in hand.

"No actually for once… although I'd like to see those pants… um I didn't mean to say that… umm" Kasan gulped and took a few steps back. "Oh crap…"

Bat cut (can bat's cut?) through the air and met Protozoan plushy. There was a ting like steal on steal then in a desperate swing Kasan smacked Kratos on the top of his head.

Eyes glazing the Seraph fell forward and Zelos slipped around to take a peak- I mean check to see if his fellow Seraph was alive- Kasan threw the doll and Zelos collapsed on the ground, totally out of it.

"I hate perverts…" Kasan growled, and since both men were out of it sat down to await their awakening.

X

"Oww… my face hurts…"

"It should, since my "weapon" hit you in the face." Zelos turned his head to see some brown haired girl playing with a green dog stuffed animal. "Impressive, no?"

"Oh well that expla- hey why am I tied up!"

"Well as I understand it." Kratos rumbled, a wide smile on his face. "I get to kill you."

"Say WHAT!"

"At the tower of salvation!"

Kratos "awe"d and put away his various torture implements he'd made over the long months of being trapped with Zelos and had day dreamed of using.

"We gotta fix this spilt universe thing, and well since Zelos was the first "flaw" in the grand scheme of this universe remedying that will effectively close the loop, close the door to this world to more hackers, and lock this one with us."

"You're really Lloydish, you know that…" Zelos grumbled. "No that that's a bat… I mean _bad_ thing, right?" Zelos amended as Kratos lifted his weapon.

"Hurmph…" Kasan glared, and then terror came into her eyes.

"Kratos, I gotta warn you, we might have to go through pure hell to go back…"

"Why?" The Seraph frowned.

Kasan took him off a ways and the Seraph was paler then a sheet when he returned.

"If we don't do this then what happens."

"Well Symphonia will be run by a crazy writer who wants you married to Yuan. Lloyd and Sheena, Persea, or considering the person's tastes it'll likely be Genis or Regal, will get married. That or you Yuan, and Lloyd, will become very uhh right nit…"

Kratos' face became hard.

"And we must kill the perverted one to trap this person with us."

"And restore me to power…"

"And that's good, how?"

Uhh… but think of _Symphonia_, Kratos. All those people suffering."

"What about me! Why do I have to diiiiie!" Zelos sobbed.

"May I torture the perverted one?"

"I have a name you know!" Zelos sniffled.

"Certainly," Kasan smirked, "and I'll give you the cracker as well to play with."

"I'm listening in on this; don't you feel guilty, just a little?" Zelos whined.

"Was that the wind?" Kasan mused.

"Oh yes, couldn't be anything else but the wind. It gets rather breezy on Derris Kharlan, this time of year." Kratos noted mildly.

"Why meeeee?" Zelos whined as Kratos picked up the hogtied perverted one and walked to the portal which was still singing.

"That damned song; I hated that song in Thodia." Kratos growled.

"Is that… Hell…"

-gate has gained the title –Reminds me of Hell: "Annoying, grating, this transportation system could dive even the most stoic insane, kinda like the public bus system actually…"

"Reminds me of Hell" title's stats:

Intelligence: negative ten, Defense: plus one.

All three of them sweat dropped as the little green box proclaiming that disappeared with a flash of pink light.

"It is pure evil… this bringer of chaos is pure evil…" Kratos whispered.

"Game terminology marring my work… Noooo- urk!"

Kasan slumped forward and Kratos sheathed his bat (again not being a sword can you do that with a bat?).

Comatose Kasan in one hand, a whimpering Zelos in the other, Kratos steeled himself and stepped into the pink, sugar smelling, void.

X

Groaning Kasan cracked open her eyes and stared at a sight that would have shocked all diehard Symphonia-fans. Kratos, curled in a ball, rocking back and forth, bawling in terror.

"P… pink portal… Green boxes…"

"Huh what do you mea- oh thooose… dialogue text bubbles, just ignore them."

"Ignore them!" Zelos shrieked. "There right there in the freaking air and the writing kinda floats there until you say a lot then this green bobbing thing appears and then it disappears and then the writing changes and goes on to say what you are saying now…. See, like that!"

"Kratos… think of it like this, the crazy sociopath who did this has your kid."

Kratos' eyes hardened and he became instantly composed… well as composed as a man in a baby blue bath robe with a bat in hand could appear…

"That's my homicidal Seraph."

Zelos began to cry at the word "homicidal".

"It certainly is windy lately, have you noticed?" Kratos muttered, picking up the bawling Chosen of Tethe'alla.

"Yes, I wonder why."

"To the tower to wreck our revenge."

"At least you didn't say "release the hounds of war"…" Kasan grumbled. "Remind me to keep you and Yuan away from each other, his corniness is catchy."

Kratos assumed a pained expression then they continued on.

X

Several encounters later… mainly battles against packs of rabid Kratos and Shards fans -though there was the hair eating bunny who made a quick cameo and snatched Zelos bald- Kasan and Kratos with the "source of eternal wind" -Zelos had picked up that title along the way- mounted the steps of the Tower.

_Mwa ha lights out!_

The light stairs flashed out of existence, and Kratos summoned his wings and dragging one screaming author, and one screaming Chosen, fluttered over to the tower's door.

"You can open your eyes now." Kratos snapped at both author and Chosen who were clinging to each other in terror.

"Eww I touched _it_!" Kasan shuddered and cringed behind Kratos.

"Awww man… no one loves me."

"That's right... no one does." Kratos agreed.

Zelos sniffled, and then began to cry again.

-Zelos has earned the title "cry baby"-

The box continued to fill up with information (mainly crippling stat effects if it was equipped) but the text and boxes were common place after Zelos had chattered on for half an hour, so Seraph and author shrugged it off and dragged the Chosen with them.

One door opened by a "Judgement" later Kasan and Kratos approached the portal. Zelos was promptly chucked (after all if it was a leak then something living would be a better plug for it then something dead so much to Kratos' disappointment Zelos was spared) in and the gate closed.

From somewhere on Derris Kharlan there was a shriek as the author powers were stripped away from the rabid cracker.

One _normal_ white (not pink!) gate to the shiny purpl- err Derris Kharlan was opened and those screams changed to pained screams of agony only a ticked Seraph could inflict. The scimitar was returned, the plushy kept and put in Kasan's new place of tormenting TOS characters- er I mean hidey hole!- and all was well once again.

Well for almost everyone.

X

"Did you get it on tape?" The renegade archer chuckled.

"Yeah I did! Yuan dressed like a girl! The world must have been ending for that to happen... and after pressing send all…" The renegade mage cackled. "Now all the Renegades have the pic."

"Wait a sec… isn't Yuan on your contact list?"

There was a long silence.

"I'll be off, writing my will now." The mage gulped.

X

Listening to his "Renegade Theme Orchestrated Remix" that was saved on his computer Yuan hummed along to his favorite part. His computer dinged and he frowned at the chirpy "you have mail" that rang out.

"Huh, what the Hell is this…" He recognized the address… and he had asked for those pictures detailing the inner workings of the Mana Cannon, perhaps this was them. Such a strange label though.

"Entertainment 2, well perhaps it wasn't as boring as the notes on the Angelus project?"

He double clicked and blinked as his media player opened up. Less then ten seconds into the film he stood, electricity crackling around his hands.

While a certain Renegade mage was being chased around the compound a certain Renegade who ran the security center hummed a tune and clicked record so that the whole thing was on tape. So while the Renegade mage and perhaps Yuan were unhappy the rest of the world went on its normal routines just fine.

So the tale ends with a somewhat happy ending…


	9. A little unhinged

Just a _little_ unhinged

_Author's note: Come on… consider all Kratos' been through, you'd be crazy too. This is a parody of the Kratos from Shards_… _as well as a slight Noishe parody._

"I've been having this dream lately." Kratos muttered, he rested on the back of a long bed, his dark eyes blank as he looked back. "During this journey… I've been thinking about killing some people."

"Mmm hmm…" There was the scratch of pencil across paper.

"The short one…" The words came out as an evil hiss. "That whiny high pitched voice, that grating arrogant manner, when I see him my hands itch for my sword. Every time I see him casting a spell upon an enemy I know his guards down, and a sword in the back would look so good on him."

"Mm hmm…"

"And that_ woman_, that annoying, obvious half elf posing as an elf act is only one of the things that makes me want to kill her. She's worse then her runt of a brother, and the ruin mode…" The mercenary's voice broke. "Oh GODS, the ruin mode! I live in terror, if she ever figured I was four thousand years old… my GODS the nightmares that thought gives me are beyond description! And her cooking, that's a thousand times worse because it's real and not some nightmare!"

The person hidden in the shadows of the other side of the room made a sympathetic noise and waited patiently for the now crying Kratos to compose himself.

"My client is an oblivious idiot, she chased after a rabid wolf today saying it was "cute". Half my hairs turned grey now from protecting that child from herself."

The psychologist grunted in agreement, after all he'd been there to see that too.

"And I'm traveling with my son and he doesn't even know that I'm his father. Can you even imagine what that's like? And I don't know what that _dwarf_ did to my child but he's flawed him in someway and I swear on all that's holly that I'll…"

As Kratos went on with a rant about how he was going to kill Dirk the listener took a few notes. There was a ding and Kratos sighed.

Session was up.

"So… how much is that going to be?" Kratos sighed.

"Whine whine bark."

"The usual, fine."

Kratos rolled off of the couch and then fumbled with his pouch. "You know if this journey keeps going on, you're going to be rich." So said Kratos lay fifty gald on the couch.

Some point in Tethe'alla, about two hundred chapters later…

"Mail for a Mr. Noishe Aurion."

"Hey Noishy, who'd gave you mail…" Lloyd teased, ruffling his "dog"'s green mane. Then, since Noishe would need someone to open it anyways Lloyd ripped open the envelope and stared numbly at the note's contents.

"Noishe… when'd you buy Zelos' mansion?"

"Whine?"

Noishe's brown eyes were wide, his teeth flashed in an innocent smile.

"And why'd you convert it into a hot spring… for pets!" Lloyd screamed. "Do you know what Zelos' going to do to you when we get back to Maltokio?"

Noishe just shrugged.

From the darkness not too far away Kratos chuckled.

"Good one Noishe."

The protozoan lolled out his tongue and wiggled his ears.


	10. Shards Sneak Peak SPOILERS!

_You have stumbled onto the secret (OK not so secret) battle outline for the Yuan verses Lloyd's battle group! Congradulations, and don't tell anyone else where I hid this!_

_Guys... it's still april... the whole months open to pranks... please tell me you didn't buy that..._

_Parody... before the Renegade leader battle_

_Plot holes, random chatter, and pure stupidity… I wrote this one the bus, must be an after affect of too much "Defiance" seriousness. Don't worry the Shards version will kick butt… but this one's just here for humor._

"Aww man, bud, why didn't you tell me the Renegade leader was a cute half elf chick?"

Botta had a suspicious fit of coughing at that moment and Sheena, Genis, Rega, Raine, Colette, and Presea scooted far away from Zelos… Well as much as the tight hanger room would allow.

"Zelos, Yuan's a guy."

"No way!"

"Way…"

"Never, The Z. Radar is never off! Watch I'll prove it!"

The red haired chosen advanced on the horrified looking Renegade leader. Before Yuan could cast his trademark lightning orb spell he was glomped by Zelos. Botta started choking on the knuckle he'd bit down on to keep from laughing, and Sheena was nearly in tears from her laughter.

"What… I bet you're all jealous." Zelos sniffed. "Come on, gotta be a girl, long luxurious locks." Zelos lazily twirled the said locks between two fingers. "The name… Yuan, who'd name a guy kid _Yuna._ Totally girl material, why I he isn't I'll…"

"Has the fact that _he_ is casting Indignation caught your attention yet?" Genis yelled.

"Huh?"

There was a roar of lightning and thunder, a loud sizzle, and a half dead Zelos went flying over their heads like a red-haired meteor.

"So…" Botta's voice was shaking from suppressed laughter. "Should I get the video from this room's camera ma'am er I mean Sir?"

"Yes." Yuan hissed, his voice so pissed that it sounded like something from a horror movie… or perhaps one of those undead snake people from the shadow temple. "Later.'

"Wouldn't want this conversation to circulate amongst the Renegades, eh Sir?"

"Botta… I don't appreciate the humor at the moment."

"Zelos' HP is currently at five percent… should we heal him?"

"HP?" The two renegades blinked, staring at the ax wielding child before them.

"You get used to that." Lloyd sighed.

"Renegade leaders Yuan Vor'lesse and Botta.

Level of Challenge, Easy.

Weapons; Swallow and ice blade.

Elements of primary attack:

Yuan; lightning,

Botta; earth and fire.

S T attack preference:

Botta, T

Yuan S.

Defense level: average… fifty.

Specie statistics:

Botta: Human

Yuan: Angelic."

"I'm a half elf…" Botta protested.

Current enemy statistics:

Botta's Status: confusion, stun

Yuan's status: confusion, overlimit

Recommendation:

Current party should be at level thirty five. Melee fighters should be employed as Yuan is primarily a spell caster and is prone to distraction. If challenge rating should be moved to "mania" then all party members should equip the Stun and paralysis talisman so that all have a slight defense against Yuan's Indignation Judgment tech and the possibility of being paralyzed or stunned by the lighting tech… which has a base for five percent chance of happening per Yuan's difficulty level…

"How long's this going to last?" Yuan sighed, pointing to the still rambling Presea.

"When she talks about HP and TP you know she's wrapping up." Lloyd sighed.

"Fascinating… it seems as if Presea's insane monologue actually has some relation to reality." Raine murmured, looking at the glazed eyes of Botta. "Perhaps she is seeing some higher level of reality?"

"Raine! There's nothing wrong with Presea!" Genis yelled.

Regal nodded. "Alicia was prone to having similar fits, when they passed she was perfectly normal, and many of her statements were true… although I never did quite grasp the "level" thing she kept talking about." The shackled man said with a sigh.

Yuan pulled out his palm pilot and began to rearrange his tasks for the day, he had a feeling that this was going to take a looong time.

"You try to sneak on those rheiards before I kick your butt and I'll lightning orb you so hard your father will feel it in Derris Kha- er I mean heaven."

Lloyd sighed, and stopped sneaking towards the airships.

"But it's reeeed." He whined. "And it flies…."

"And if you crash it again you'll pay the insurance for it." Yuan snapped.

Lloyd wisely put his hands behind his back before he broke anything else and wound up paying "insurance" he didn't know what it was, but it sounded bad.

There was a gasp as Presea took a deep breath and began the other half of her ramble.

Genis watched and listened to Presea ramble, adoration in his eyes. Regal yawned, pulled out a book from his packs and began to read. Raine went over to an innocent piece of magi technology and began to go bonkers. Colette hummed and threw her throwing rings, and Lloyd fell asleep while standing up. Sheena sighed, nudged the still smoking Zelos with a foot then pulled out a card.

"Purgatory seal!"

"Oww… Thanks for begin' me back hunny!"

"Don't call me hunny!"

_Smack_

"Oww… what a sorry way to go…"

"Opps…" Sheena sighed. "Purgatory seal!"

"You saved me, I love you hunny!"

_Smack_

"Oww… what a sorry way to go…"

"Not _again_! Raine, heal him and give him more then a smack's worth of life!"

Raine in magi-technology mode didn't hear a word.

Yuan was torn, save the machine, watch the entertainment of Zelos being brought back, only to be killed by his "hunny", or wake up his Second. The Seraph sighed; Botta looked like he was going to have some sort of brain aneurism if he listened to anymore of the little pink haired girl's rambling.

"Botta, wake up!" He snapped his fingers together under his second's nose.

"Huh… what?"

"She's done now!" Yuan growled.

"She is?"

That sentiment echoed round and round the room as everyone asked the same thing and looked at Presea with a certain dread. But miracle of miracles… she was being quiet and taciturn as usual.

Blessed silence fell and was savored for a long moment.

"I'm bored, can we fight you already?" Lloyd whined.

"Sir, can we please get our buts kicked by their superior numbers now, I'm late for my senior officer no Yuan allowed meeting…"

Yuan groaned, was he the only sane one in both of the worlds?

"Alright, fine, stop whining, now, where were we before I was interrupted?"

Flipping through his book of rules Botta came to the appropriate section. "You normally have to say a lame and cheesy battle quote before you enter conflict sir."

"Oh right… wait… lame and _what_!"

"Err… sorry that's the Second's manual." Botta hastily flipped a few pages. "Here's your section… "Yuan must overawe them with his wit, sarcasm, and bishene- oh wait fan girl section…"

Crickets chirped, how crickets came to be in the Renegade base in such an extreme environment of steel, electricity, and hundreds of bug hating half elves serving as custod- er guards… yes they were _guards_ not custodians, no one would demean the pwnage of the random renegades by alluding to the fact that they were just on base cleaning help, right?… no one will ever know.

"Umm hey Botta, did you leave the key in the ignition like last time?" Lloyd asked.

"Y- er I mean "no", and I did "not" receive two hundred thousand gald for doing so."

"Just checking…"

Yuan frowned, looked at his Second, then to Lloyd, something was going on here, but he wasn't too sure as to what…

"Er herm… So you have come like butterflies to the flower…"

Snickering came from everyone at that point, even Botta openly laughed.

"S… sir may I make a suggestion. The original saying was 'like moths to the flame.'"

"What he said."

Even poor -has been resurrected fifty times- Zelos was laughing now.

"Are you taking notes Lloyd? You could learn a few new lines from him?" Genis snickered.

"Shut it Genis!" Lloyd roared.

Botta sighed, pulled out his palm pilot and began to rearrange his schedule; this was going to take a while. He watched with cool distant eyes as Yuan and Lloyd began to yell that the other's lines were lame, their lines were cooler.

The last item on his list Botta hesitated on moving it, but with a sigh had to admit that his psychologist appointment was not going to be happening if he spent all of tonight in the medical wing after the upcoming fight…

"Lloyd… pick your party."

"Ummm…"

"Great Presea, now he has to think, we could be here all month." Zelos groaned.

"For that..." Lloyd stuck out his tongue. "I chose Genis, Zelos, and Sheena."

"But Sheena can't heal!" Genis whined.

"I know but… hey where'd everyone else go?"

And low and behold the rest of the party was gone.

"This is why patrols are only four people at most." Yuan said sagely. "It's really creepy when it happens so I try to minimize the times it does happen."

"Amen." Botta shuddered, pocketing his palm pilot.

"Ohhh…" Lloyd blinked. "For the right to use the red shiny flying ships I challenge both of you to…."

"If you say "mortal combat" I'm going to fireball you Lloyd." Genis growled.

"Then I'll electric orb you." Yuan chimed in.

"Then I'll stone blast you…" Botta snapped.

"OK I won't say it… sheesh…"

"Thank you!" The Renegade and Regeneration groups said in unison.

"Now then…" Yuan pulled off his cloak and tossed it aside… a freak breeze picked it up and it smacked into Zelos.

"What a sorry way to go…" Zelos slumped forward, yet again, dead.

"Not… for the love of Jizuho! Purgatory seal's worth nothing!"

"You just noticed… sheesh Mithos figured it out four thousand years ago after the first time he used it on Kratos…"

Everything seemed to freeze as even Lloyd picked up the implications of that statement.

"N… no that I'd know that personally or anything… just hear-say and all that… And did I say Kratos… well it's certainly not that blue winged auburn haired Kratos that we all know now!"

"They aren't buying it Sir." Botta sighed.

"Look, flashy light screens!" Yuan pointed behind the Regeneration group.

Once they were properly confused he drew his swallow and attacked, it wasn't much of a save but hey it was a save. And he'd beat them, they were just kids, how could he lose?

(five minutes later, renegade base medical center)

"That was fast…" Botta croaked.

"It's always like that." Random renegade number fifty croaked from the cot at Botta's right. "There's so many of us in here that the boys all got together, average fight take about five minuets. Vidar's got the record though, took them six minutes for them to take him down. How long did it take you guys to get creamed?"

"Ummm…" Botta looked to Yuan.

"Ten minutes, but we defeated one of them; they dragged off the bloody corpse." Yuan said, smoothly glossing over the face he'd counted every second twice, and that Sheena had screamed that she wasn't bringing Zelos back just to die for the hundredth time, he could just lie there and bleed.

"Impressive Sir." Botta said, rolling his eyes.

"Botta." Yuan closed his eyes. "Just shut up."


	11. Being broke never helps

A_/N: I was playing last night and stupidly poured a ton of money into the renewal of Luin before the tower… I was dead broke, out of supplies, and didn't realize it. Oblivious to the dire state of my characters went monster hunting at Mania (AKA leveling up the hard way) this is kinda what happened to me TOS/Shards style..._

Being broke never helps…

Things were going badly in the battle. The monsters were winning, and the parties lack of funds (most of those given to Pedrio to pay off the rebuilding of Luin) were showing. The first monster's swipe took off the front of Lloyd's chain main armor, and the second slash was going to rip out the contents of Lloyd's chest cavity. Genis' frantically thrown spell saved Lloyd from a messy death, and from the other end of the battle field there was a cry of rage.

Raine looked up to see Kratos holding the hilt of his now broken blade, the man twitched then tossed the ruined weapon aside and went after the bear with his bare hands.

Stuborn, stupid… sometimes she swore Kratos was rasher than Lloyd…

The contest of strength between man and bear went its proper course- which was the fast way of saying that Kratos was slashed in a hundred places and the bear was squinting out of its now black eye.

"For the Love of Martel…" Raine grumbled, putting a hand over her face. Colette was reduced to throwing _rocks_ now, their funds were so low that they couldn't afford to by the girl weapons… Colette got a luck throw, bopped the bear that was busy mauling Kratos. The creature looked up from its meager meal of mercenary and growled, lumbering towards them.

"I'm out of cards!" Sheena wailed. "I can't do _anything_ without my weapon!"

"Summon something!" Lloyd screamed, running away from a harpy…

And the harpy was gaining, and the look in its eyes told the elder Sage that it wasn't hunger that was making it chase Lloyd so avidly.

Noishe, wisest of them all had high tailed it long long ago, if only he'd thought to take a few of them along.

"Resurrection!" Raine screamed, and low and behold the mercenary –covered in his own blood, and dazed looking- was alive once again.

Raine considered the situation, they were losing wounded, the wisest thing would be to do a fast healing and then bolt… but with everyone running around –dodging monsters and the like- there wasn't a prayer of snow in Triet that she'd be able to get off enough "First Aides" to save everyone.

"Maiden of the Mist… I summon you come Undine!"

The battle froze, even the monsters froze at the girl's stern tone, but when nothing appeared Sheena growled and the monsters went back to harassing the Regeneration group with renewed zeal.

"Why isn't it working? It worked the last time!"

"It's because you're not in overlimit!" Kratos roared, this time the man was proving to be a little smarter as he was running from the bear rather then punching it.

"Say what?"

"No clue." Genis said, then he chanted and lifted a hand to cast an "eruption" spell… and only a few meager sparks snapped from the end of his fingers. "Ack, I'm out of magic!" He turned to her, his eyes wide and pleading –she couldn't recall a time he'd pled for a gell but desperate times made for desperate measures she guessed-. "Raaaaine do we have an orange gell?"

"No!" Raine lifted her staff to keep the claws of a descending harpy away from her face. The weapon cracked alarmingly and she threw the fragments at the ancient artifact in at the retreating creatures back. "Just run, run and don't look back."

Outmatched, (outclassed, outleveled, outgunned, whatever you want to call it) the Regeneration group grabbed the tattered remains of their dignity and abandoned the field.


End file.
